God With A Crush
by Sunshine Depression
Summary: Six months after the Game has ended, Neku's life is getting back to normal. But he still has some unresolved issues, all revolving around a certain godlike figure. My first and last chaptered fic. Neku/Joshua, Hanekoma/Joshua but not the focus.
1. Chapter 1

So, yeah. Welcome to "God With A Crush", my first chaptered fic. I wasn't really planning on sharing this, but I figured that I hadn't posted anything in a while, so why not? Things you should know before you flame/complain: I'm working on a limited knowledge base here. I've only unlocked SOME Secret Reports and have only heard about the secret ending through the grapevine. Meaning that this work is probably horribly inaccurate and full of continuity errors or whatever. Also, I really just work as this stuff comes to me, and my muses are fickle. Also, I'm in freakin' college now, so there's a time issue. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't sit on the edge of your seat, waiting for new chapters. Yeah, I knew you were going to. Also, I obviously don't own _The World Ends With You_ or I probably wouldn't be writing Fanfiction about it. Or maybe I would, just to screw with you guys. ;)

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><p>"I still feel like he's watching me, you know?" said Neku, leaning against the statue of Hachiko. "Even though he hasn't showed up… I feel like he's not gone." Shiki looked up from her cell phone and pushed her glasses up a little higher on her nose.<p>

"Well, that's probably because he's not," she said.

"What do you mean?" asked Neku.

"I mean, he probably _is_ watching you," said Shiki. When Neku still looked blank, she sighed and flipped her phone shut. "From what you've told me, it kind of sounds like Joshua… you know… _liked_ you." Neku scowled, so Shiki counted off the evidence on her fingers. "He picked you specially, he took a bullet for you, and a lot of the things that you told me he said to you… Well, Neku, they sounded a lot like _flirting_."

"Please," said Neku, folding his arms across his chest. "I was his proxy. He didn't like me, he was using me."

"To destroy Shibuya, right?" asked Shiki. "And guess what he didn't do, even though you helped him win his game."

"Only you would take that to mean that he…" Neku struggled with the words. "Had a crush on me or something."

"You changed his mind about humanity!" said Shiki, a smile growing over her face. "He was going to give up, and then you changed something in him. It's the plotline to all the best romantic movies. And why are you trying to deny it, anyway? A _god_ has a crush on you. Shouldn't you be flattered?"

"There are so many things wrong with that logic," replied Neku dryly. But when he looked up into the sky this time, he couldn't keep the hope out of his eyes. He wasn't even sure _why_ he wanted to see the Composer again. Not only had the guy killed him, he had also used him as a pawn in a game to destroy Shibuya and made his death a lot more difficult. Still, there was some part of him that still caught glimpses of Joshua in the silvery bleached-blonde hair of the girl who sat next to him in Classic Literature, or when he passed someone wearing black skinny jeans in the Scramble. He would be thrown off guard, and it always took him a moment to regain his composure and get back to what he had been doing before.

"Are Rhyme and Beat ever getting here?" asked Neku, trying to take his mind (and Shiki's) off the subject.

"Oh, right," said Shiki. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and flipped it open. "Beat texted me a few minutes ago. Rhyme's got a cold, and he's home taking care of her." She held out the phone to Neku as evidence, as though he wouldn't believe her otherwise.

"So, we're still here because?" asked Neku.

"Because you were busy talking about your not-so-secret admirer," said Shiki, holding a hand to her face in a gesture that in no way concealed her giggling. Neku shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts and headed away from the statue, Shiki at his side.

"Took a bullet for me," he mumbled. "Yeah, right. After he put one in my chest."

"Oh, Neku," sighed Shiki. "You're still so _cynical_. Didn't the game teach you anything? You've got to trust your partner." Neku wanted to ask whether she meant for him to trust her, or Joshua, but he didn't know if he would like the answer, so he kept quiet for a few seconds. Shiki seemed to take that to mean that she'd won.

"And speaking of things that haven't changed," she said. "Do you have any pants that aren't falling apart? I think my next project with Eri is going to have to be redesigning your wardrobe. What's your size?" Neku looked around, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that this was where he and Shiki had to part, anyway. Not that Shiki and Eri were anything less than a force to be reckoned with when it came to design, but Neku liked his clothes. That was why he wore them. Besides, he'd only ever seen their work for female bodies before, and he wasn't sure how that would translate over to him.

"Gotta go," he said, holding up a hand nervously. "See you later, Shiki."

"Don't think this gets you home free," said Shiki. She smiled cheerfully and waved before turning around, revealing Mr. Mew strapped to her back like a knapsack. A smile ghosted over Neku's face for a brief second. He walked back home alone, unsure of whether he wanted Shiki to be wrong about Joshua, or totally right.

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><p>It was one in the morning when Sanae Hanekoma felt the Composer roll out his arms. His weight shifted off the bed, leaving an empty spot where his warm body had lain just seconds before. Hanekoma opened his eyes to see Joshua standing by the window. He was at his full height, and even though he had turned his vibe down significantly, the moonlight enhanced his slight, godly glow. The Composer gently flattened a palm against the glass of the window. Hanekoma let out a sigh. Joshua hadn't been sleeping well recently, and when he was awake, there was something almost wistful about him, something almost broken.<p>

Hanekoma rolled out of bed and walked to Joshua's side. From the side, he could see that Joshua's forehead was tipped to meet the glass. His light violet eyes were faraway, expressionless in the forlorn sort of way they had been before Joshua had decided to scrap Shibuya. Hanekoma placed a hand on his back.

"What's the matter, Josh?" he murmured.

"Nothing," said Joshua flatly. "Go back to bed, Sanae." Neither of them made any move to leave, and Hanekoma put his head on Joshua's shoulder, his arms around the Composer's waist.

"You know you don't have to lie to me," he said.

"Maybe I want to," said the Composer, holding that cool, even tone. It wasn't exactly unlike Joshua to hold information, even from his most dutiful of Angels. Sometimes he had a reason for it. Sometimes he was just in a mood. But for some reason, this time it felt different. He wasn't just in a mood, he was further away. Hanekoma had sensed the distance for weeks and hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. He wasn't enough for Joshua anymore; he could feel it. The corners of his mouth turning down, he unwrapped his arms from Joshua's body and stepped so that he was standing next to him.

"Maybe I don't want you to," he said. Joshua laughed, but it was the kind of laugh that fell flat as soon as it hit Hanekoma's ears.

"What are you going to do about it?" asked Joshua. It had started to rain, and he traced the path of a single raindrop down the windowpane with a long, pale finger. He leaned his right shoulder against the glass, angling his body so that it almost looked like the raindrops were his tears. Which would have made sense, Hanekoma thought, for a god.

"Nothing," he replied. Then he asked: "What are you thinking?" Joshua's lips parted slightly, like he was about to tell Hanekoma everything, every strange and distant thought that was running through his head, but in the end he just closed them again and turned his eyes back to the rivers the raindrops were making down the glass. After another moment of silent contemplation, he opened his mouth again.

"People move on so quickly, don't they?" he mused. Hanekoma smiled to himself. Now where had that come from?

"I think that they would beg to differ," he said.

"Their memories fade," continued Joshua, disregarding Hanekoma's statement. "They move on. It's not so easy for us." Something cold hit the bottom of Hanekoma's stomach; suddenly Joshua's thought process didn't seem so enigmatic.

"Oh," he said knowingly. "So this is about Phones." Joshua didn't answer. But he didn't meet Hanekoma's eyes, either, and that was just as good as an answer. "You can't get over him. I get it." Hanekoma knew that it would annoy the Composer, but if he was being honest with himself, he had to admit that he was a little annoyed, himself. Neku Sakuraba was the reason Joshua was moving further and further away from him? He didn't like the thought, and he liked the feeling of jealousy creeping up around his ribs even less.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Joshua. But there was something in his scowl that told Hanekoma that he was completely on the mark. Hanekoma sighed. His god was often a cruel god. It didn't help to know that, this time, he didn't mean to be cruel. "He's fifteen. And human."

"So were you," said Hanekoma. "When you met him."

"Only in appearance," said Joshua.

"Don't fool yourself," said Hanekoma. Joshua's scowl deepened. "Just because you look all godly now. You were human once, and fifteen years old. You were fifteen again when you met him, and you took to it pretty well. Being the Composer and everything… well, you grew up fast. You know what they say: never a child, always a child." The slightest hint of a smirk pulled at Joshua's lips.

"Fine, then," he said. "In that case, you're the one having sex with a fifteen-year-old." The comment made Hanekoma squirm a little bit in spite of his best intentions, and for just a second he wished that Joshua were covered up. He had already discussed with the Composer one of his few rules in what passed for their relationship: it was on hiatus whenever he took the shape of someone below consenting age. Hanekoma would not touch Joshua when he took his teenage form – something about it made him feel dirty in a way that he highly disliked.

"Come on, Josh, you know that's not what I meant," he said, backing up, fast. "When it comes to you, age is a lot more complicated than a number, that's all."

"It's not for him," said Joshua. He put his head to Hanekoma's chest in an uncharacteristic show of vulnerability. Some twisted part of Hanekoma wanted this weakness, wanted to foster it and bring it out whenever he felt Joshua slipping away from him. He knew that he had the power to do it, too. But with their flesh so close together, he could feel that he wasn't the one the Composer was weak for, it was Neku Sakuraba. Besides, Hanekoma knew that was supposed to use his power to equalize things, to set them as they should be, and not to drive the area's Composer back into his arms. Joshua probably never should have been there to begin with.

"If you wanted to see him," he said carefully. "I wouldn't blame you."

"Because what I was looking for was _your_ approval," said Joshua, never lifting his head. "I have a job to do, Sanae, and it's not as easy as you might think to get someone to stand in as god." In spite of the serious situation, Hanekoma let out a chuckle.

"I'm sure we could arrange something," he said.

"I don't suppose you'd like to do the job," mumbled Joshua.

"You've already got that answer," replied Hanekoma. "Never, in a million years, would I take the Composer job. But that doesn't mean there isn't some sap out there who wouldn't wreck the UG in a few days." Joshua looked up at his (Fallen) Angel, a rare sense of wonderment shining in his eyes.

"Why are you doing this for me?" asked Joshua, and it took Hanekoma a moment or two of puzzling to figure out the reason for himself. The arguments against helping Joshua with this were clear: he was the Composer, it would be irresponsible for him to leave his post because of something that closely resembled puppy love, and, perhaps most importantly, Hanekoma was none too keen on sharing Joshua with others. Yet here Hanekoma was, about to help him go off chasing some fifteen-year-old with a bad attitude.

"Well," said Hanekoma. "You were starting to look bored. And no one likes what happens when the boss gets bored."

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><p>Neku decided to take the long way home from school the next day. Since playing The Game, his non-social tendencies had gotten a lot better, but after spending a full day with the teenaged noise of school, sometimes he still liked to pull his headphones over his ears and walk alone for a while. Not that his parents would even be back from work by the time he got home from school. With them gone so much of the time, it was no wonder he had become so cut off in the first place. They weren't too fantastic about communication when they were around, either. When he was with them, Neku tended to spend a lot of time reminding himself that they loved him, and that he loved them, too, and that in the end, they were still his family. After getting out of The Game alive, he had realized that he didn't take the time appreciate his parents much, and he had promised himself upon his return that he wouldn't let that happen again.<p>

Almost losing everything really made you realize how much there was to lose. After all, it wasn't just Neku's life that had been at stake, it was also the whole of Shibuya. Blasting Def Märch into his ears, Neku ran his fingers over the graffiti-covered bricks of CAT's Udagawa tag mural. He wondered for a minute if he would be able to find the dark stain of his blood on the concrete below, but then remembered that The Game had fixed it so that, for all RG intents and purposes, he had never been shot in the first place. After waking up in the Scramble and realizing that he was not, in fact, about to start Week Four of Hell, Neku had run home, found his parents, and embraced them tightly, only to find that they didn't remember his death. He played it off, saying that he'd had a rough day at school, and his parents let it go with a few strange looks.

They didn't realize that he was ever gone, let alone that their entire world could have disappeared if not for the whim of some god. Or, if Shiki was right, if not for the crush said god had on their son. But Shiki wasn't right.

Out of the corner of his eye, Neku caught a glimpse of a blue cotton shirt. Damn. _Here it goes again,_ he thought. Now he was going to have to rationalize with his highly irrational brain. _A lot of people wear blue cotton shirts. It's not him._ Still, he cast another sidelong glance at the figure. Just for half a second. It was the same _shade_ of blue, too, like the bottom edge of the sky on a winter day. The person was walking in Neku's general direction, and Neku thought that he saw a shining of silver hair. Not blonde – silver. Neku cranked up the volume on his mp3 player and kept his eyes straight ahead. The only way to avoid his delusions was to distract himself.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around, only to find that it was the person he'd been seeing out of the corner of his eye. The blue shirt and black skinny jeans could have belonged to anyone, but this person was also Joshua's height, Joshua's hair color, _and_ – this was the ultimate determining factor – had Joshua's eyes. Lavender and cool, with just a glimmer of something behind them to make you feel like he was silently mocking you. The boy's lips moved around the words "Hey, partner," but Neku couldn't hear him over the roar of his music. Trying to keep his mouth closed, Neku slowly lowered the headphones from his ears.

"I thought you ditched those at the end of the Game," observed Joshua.

"Joshua," said Neku, doing his best not to betray his utter shock. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, of course," said Joshua with a giggle. He looked up at the tag mural. "I thought I might find you here. I remembered that you were a fan of Mr. Hanekoma's work." Narrowing his eyes, Neku gave Joshua a visual once-over.

"You don't have a gun, do you?" he asked skeptically. Joshua giggled again and held out his very empty hands.

"If you're not convinced, you can search me," he said, smirking. Neku must have still looked suspicious, because Joshua smirked and said: "What? I can't come back to visit my old friend and dear, dear partner?"

_But you didn't,_ thought Neku. _I waited for you, and you didn't show up. Not for the last six months. _He didn't say anything, though. Joshua was there now. He didn't need to know that Neku had been searching for him ever since the game ended, seeing him in every person who passed him on the street. It was embarrassing.

"I was under the impression that you hadn't forgiven me, Neku," said Joshua. The smile was gone from his face, and his tone was serious. Neku scowled.

"Did you scan me?" he demanded.

"Oh, Neku, you're so transparent," said Joshua, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't have to scan you to read you."

"Well, I haven't forgiven you," said Neku. That much was true. Joshua had done terrible things to him, things that most people couldn't even comprehend. He had treated Neku like an object, something that he could use to get what he wanted. Because of him, Neku had had to go through trials harder than any life would have thrown at him. He hadn't forgiven Joshua; he couldn't.

But some part of Neku had wanted desperately to see him again. He realized that it was stupid and unreasonable, but he couldn't help it. In spite of himself, he had made friends with Joshua during his second week, and the group just didn't feel whole without him. They could laugh and joke and pretend that there was nothing missing, but they were still dancing around a gap. Or maybe it was just Neku who was pretending. He looked up at Joshua, who had kept silent as Neku pondered.

"Do you even feel sorry for what you did?" he asked. The question was enough to make Joshua break eye contact.

"I…" he said, but he faltered after that. Neku couldn't remember ever having seen him look so flustered throughout the course of the Game. Taboo Noise, near-Erasure experiences, insane GMs, all these the Composer could take in stride, but the question had thrown him for a loop. Even if he didn't admit to feeling sorry about it, Neku thought that this lack of response might just be enough for him. He sighed.

"Do you want to go back to my place?" he asked reluctantly. Joshua looked up and regained his composure within seconds.

"Of course," he said, smiling. "I look forward to exploring the Sakuraba abode." Neku rolled his eyes but smiled. It felt as though some residual burden that he'd been carrying around since he'd come back to life had been lifted off his shoulders.

"Come on," he said, turning in the direction of his home. Joshua put his hands in his pocket and, smiling to himself, strolled alongside him. They had been walking for less than a minute when an idea struck Neku.

"Joshua," he said. Joshua looked up at him, questioning with his eyes. "If you're here, then who's running the UG?" A devious smile stretched across Joshua's lips.

"Oh, that?" he asked. "Don't worry about it, dear; I've taken care of it."

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><p>"How am I supposed to hold down the fort when you won't do a damn thing to help?" demanded one Miss Uzuki Yashiro of her orange-haired partner, who, incidentally, seemed to be more interested in perusing the liquor shelf than cooperating with his partner. Kariya rested his chin between his thumb and forefinger and peered up at the glittering array of bottles over his rectangular shades.<p>

"Huh," he remarked, completely disregarding Uzuki's complaint. "I never figured our Composer for a heavy drinker." Uzuki's hand reached up into her hair and began tugging at the short, pink strands in frustration.

"Maybe He wouldn't have to be if some of His Reapers weren't such uncooperative slobs!" she shouted. "The Composer trusted _us_ to keep Shibuya under control until He came back. Don't you care about how this reflects on us? At all?" Kariya shrugged and strode over to the foosball table.

"I think I already mentioned that I'm not looking for a promotion," he said, twisting one of the handles with his non-lollipop hand. "You up for a round?"

"_I'm _trying to do my job," said Uzuki, although she did look tempted for a second. Kariya released the handle and continued to familiarize himself with the rest of the Composer's home.

"Suit yourself," he said. Suddenly and silently, he dropped to the glass floor in a single motion that made Uzuki worry for a split second that he had fainted, but his eyes were still opened. He extended a fingertip and placed it gently against the glass. A few of the fish that circled the large, blue pond beneath the floor became interested and swam over, their eyes shiny and round like hammered discs of copper, their lips extending from their faces in the expectation of some sort of food. Kariya smiled and traced his finger across the glass, whirling it a few times in loops and curlicues. Most of the fish grew bored when they realized that there was no food, but one, a large red and white koi, followed loyally. Kariya looked up. "Do you think that we have to feed them?"

"What?" asked Uzuki flatly, her lack of inflection indicating that feeding the fish was so far below the bottom of her list of priorities that she couldn't believe that Kariya was even mentioning it.

"The fish," said Kariya. "Do they eat? How _would_ you feed them, if you had to? Think the Composer has some special power to get the food through the glass?"

"If He does, He didn't pass it on to us," said Uzuki, her pink brow wrinkling in concern. "He gave us the job with barely so much as a power upgrade." Kariya pushed himself back to his feet, much to the dismay of his new koi friend, and strode over to his partner's side.

"Hey, don't sweat it," he said. "I'm sure the Composer's got it all worked out. We'll be fine."

"Yeah, if you actually do your job," sniped Uzuki.

"It'll be fine," said Kariya, pulling down a frosted-glass bottle from one of the shelves. "Drink?"

"I'd rather stay sober for the most important job of my non-living life," said Uzuki in a tone that suggested that Kariya might want to do the same.

"Suit yourself," said Kariya, ignoring the tone and pouring some of the liquid into a matching frosted-glass tumbler from the bar. He capped the bottle, took swallow from his glass, and smiled. "I think this is gonna be a fun week."


	2. Chapter 2

So, I figured that since I _had_ the first two chapters, I'd upload both of them at once without waiting for feedback. So I'm sorry if I'm torturing my readers with something they don't like, but you guys know how to navigate away, right? Besides, this is really for me, anyway.

Standard disclaimers apply.

Also, suicide references in this chapter. Don't want to accidentally trigger anyone.

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><p>"This is your apartment?" asked Joshua, glancing around the livingdining room.

"My parents' apartment," corrected Neku. "But yeah, this is where I live." Joshua had his hand tucked under his chin, and his eyes were surveying the room in a way that wasn't entirely appealing to Neku. "What?"

"It's nothing," said Joshua, waving a hand. "Just, from the way that you act, I didn't expect your apartment to look so…" His gaze landed on beige, square end table with a furniture catalogue sitting on it. "Plain."

"It's not _my_ apartment," Neku reasserted. "My parents don't spend a lot of time here, and they're the ones who decorated. And you haven't even seen my room yet."

"I thought that it would be too forward to ask," said Joshua, adding a giggle. Rather than just shake it off as an annoyance, Neku considered what Shiki had told him before. Was Joshua trying to… was that… flirting? Neku narrowed his eyes and tried to find something in Joshua's eyes, but Joshua's face gave away no secrets. He could have just as easily been trying to make Neku uncomfortable. Unable to discern anything, Neku looked away and walked towards his bedroom. He looked back to make sure that Joshua had followed him and then opened the door.

"That's more like it," said Joshua. Like Neku's apartment was some form of entertainment that had, up until this point, failed to capture Joshua's attention.

Neku's room looked a mess. It was cluttered enough that his mother had deemed not to set foot in the room until it was clean… nearly two months ago. There were clothes and CDs lying in piles on the floor, the comforter was hanging off the corner of a bed that hadn't been made for weeks, and the small wooden desk in the corner was littered with papers: homework and Neku's sketches, the latter of which Neku wished he had hidden as soon as he saw Joshua's eyes land on them. Joshua strode over to the desk and picked up the top sketch, a heavily inked drawing of a bird on loose leaf. It was heavily reminiscent of CAT.

"Well, well, well, Neku," said Joshua. "I knew that you liked CAT, but I never pegged you as an artist yourself."

"Hardly," grumbled Neku, his face heating up as he snatched the drawing away. "They're just doodles, okay?" Ever since the Game ended, Neku was trying to be more open, he really was, but some things were just personal. He didn't want to share the part of himself that lived in those sketches. Not yet.

"You're so modest, too," said Joshua, his fingers skimming over the black lines of a spider. There was a glint in his eye when he next looked up at the redhead. "Do you ever draw people, Neku?" To tell the truth, he did draw people from time to time: his parents, interesting people who sat near him on the bus, other students in his classes. Occasionally he even looked down to see that his hand was drawing a slim figure with silver hair and a smug smile, only to vigorously erase it seconds later while grumbling random words of anger, like "asshole", or "liar", and once "backstabbing back-shooting Jesus jackass", under his breath, causing bystanders to wonder why this boy was so angry and what he had against the Christian Messiah.

"No," he said, but Joshua's smirk was of the all-knowing variety. Neku wondered again if his former partner was reading his thoughts. Or maybe he actually _was_ obvious enough that Joshua didn't even need to bother. Subtlety had never been Neku's strongest suit, and until recently, most people hadn't paid much attention to his feelings, so he hadn't needed to know how to hide them.

"What a shame," said Joshua. He looked around. "So, your chaos is limited to this one room, then?"

"I already told you," said Neku. "It's my parents' place. I can't leave my stuff all over the house." It looked like Joshua didn't quite believe that. How long had it been since he had lived with his parents? "Fine. What's your place look like, then?"

"Oh, you know what my place looks like," said Joshua. "You were there, right before the end."

"You live in the sewers?" asked Neku, wrinkling his nose at the thought. Somehow the notion didn't seem compatible with Joshua's personality. Joshua rolled his eyes.

"Not there," he said. "Before that." Before that? The only place Neku could remember before that was…

"You live _there_?" asked Neku, picturing the rows of bottles on the walls and the glass floors with live fish swimming beneath them. Joshua nodded, his arms folded, as though it should have been obvious all along. "I thought that that was Shades' place."

"Well, Kitaniji is gone now," said Joshua, waving a hand carelessly. "Besides, it was more of a rental, anyway. The foosball table is more suitable for a bachelor pad than the residence of the Conductor, but I am relieved that he left my liquor intact."

"You drink?" asked Neku incredulously.

"I'm a little older than I look, Neku," reminded Joshua.

"Oh," said Neku, who had been thinking of Joshua as a snotty, fifteen-year-old kid again. He paused. "But if Kitaniji was living there, where did you stay while he was Conductor?"

"You make it sound as if I have no friends," said Joshua. "Let's just say that I found a place to make myself perfectly comfortable." A thought dawned on Neku.

"Where are you staying right now?" he asked. Joshua smiled, and Neku began to shake his head back and forth. "No, no, no. You can't possibly be thinking… I thought you said that you had _friends_!"

"And you're one of them," said Joshua. Neku crossed his arms.

"I don't think you can ask to stay at the home of someone you shot," he said. He thought for a second, and then added: "Twice."

"That does sound a bit unreasonable," agreed Joshua, placing a hand beneath his chin in contemplation. The corners of his lips turned up. "But I'm doing it, anyway. You're not trying to tell me that you won't let me stay here, are you?" In fact, that was exactly what Neku was trying to say. Yes, some insane part of him had missed Joshua, but there was a big difference between wanting to see someone every now and then and wanting to live with that person. Still, Neku was having some trouble turning Joshua down outright.

"I don't take up much room," offered Joshua.

"How… how would I even convince my parents to let you stay here?" asked Neku, grasping for some reason to keep Joshua out.

"I can be rather persuasive," said Joshua.

"You can't imprint my parents," said Neku flatly.

"Is that impolite?" asked Joshua. He shrugged. "Very well, then. I'll just have to dial up my natural charms." Joshua didn't notice that his jaw had gone slack until he saw Joshua shoot him a look of mock-offense. "I _am_ a charming person, Neku."

"You _are_ an asshole, Joshua," grumbled Neku.

"Now, now," said Joshua. "You might want to be more polite to your new roommate."

"Who says that my parents will even let you stay here?" countered Neku, full of confidence that he would come out the winner in this one.

He was sadly mistaken. Neku's parents, when they got back home, were actually quite taken with Joshua. More taken, Neku resentfully noted, than they seemed with their own son. Joshua must have picked up on some of that resentment, because as he was shaking Mr. Sakuraba's hand, he glanced back at Neku and smiled. Neku's brow came so low that it almost covered his eyes.

"Neku, why have we never met Joshua before?" asked Mrs. Sakuraba. Neku wanted to tell her that neither she nor his father had expressed interest in meeting any of his friends since he had finished primary school. Not only would it be true, but it also might knock her out of whatever pink haze Joshua had cast over her and force her to realize that Joshua was not, in fact, a nice, polite boy, but rather an incredibly manipulative deity. Well, maybe not the deity part, but she probably would have noticed that Joshua was a stranger and that his so-called friend didn't even want him in the house. But Neku said nothing of the sort. Knowing Joshua, he probably had some backup plan that was even more detestable than the current one.

"He's been out of town for a while," answered Neku. _Or out of dimension…_

"My family travels," explained Joshua, smiling. "It's fascinating, but this time, I begged them to stay in Shibuya. I missed my friends too much." For just a second, Neku caught himself wondering if there was some iota of truth in there. Did Joshua really come back because he missed Neku? It seemed far too human a sentiment.

"Where did they go this time?" asked Mr. Sakuraba. "I've always been interested in travel." This piece of information stunned Neku. To his knowledge, his father had never taken time off of work to go anywhere, or to do anything.

"Belize," said Joshua easily, and all of Neku's ideas of him telling some partial truth were dispelled. Joshua was capable of lying quickly and without remorse. Neku should have known it earlier.

"Belize…" said Mr. Sakuraba, and there was even a hint of dreaminess to his voice. He smiled and laughed. This was strange. Neku wasn't used to his parents being anything but severe and short with words. "And you chose to stay here?"

"There comes a point when you just want to get away from the excitement," explained Joshua. He looked at Neku. "Be with people you care about."

"He's so mature, Neku," said Mrs. Sakuraba approvingly, even though she herself spent hardly any time with her son and husband. "Of course he can stay here." Neku just nodded silently. He'd felt a little tug in his chest at Joshua's words, but he was resisting it. Words didn't mean much coming from the mouth Yoshiya Kiryu.

"Where will he sleep?" protested Neku before he could stop himself. Joshua dismissed the question with a wave of his hand.

"I'm sure that we can arrange something, Neku," he said.

"Exactly," said Mr. Sakuraba. "It's no trouble at all."

Neku crossed his arms and scowled at Joshua, who cheerily waved in return. Mr. and Mrs. Sakuraba were so obviously and uncharacteristically enamored with him, it seemed that Joshua must have used _some_ sort of imprinting on them. Still, he said nothing more on the matter. He didn't speak during dinner, when Joshua and his parents made pleasant conversation. He didn't speak after dinner, either, and although it seemed that the other Sakurabas did not notice his lack of participation, Joshua certainly did. He glanced over at Neku periodically throughout the night, his expression growing less irritatingly smug and more contemplative as the minutes ticked by. The change did nothing to relieve Neku's vexation. In fact, Joshua's pondering was even more annoying than his smirk. It was more condescending, like Neku was some lower being he was studying. Which, when it came down to it, Neku guessed he was, but no one likes to be thought of that way.

As the Sakuraba parents readied themselves for bed, Joshua followed Neku into his room. The instant the door closed behind him, he started in on the questions.

"Are you angry at me, Neku?" he asked. But it wasn't like he was actually concerned. He was _intrigued_ by his specimen's behavior.

"Yes, Joshua," said Neku.

"Why would that be?" asked Joshua. "I played by your rules: I didn't imprint your parents. I asked for permission and received it through legitimate means. What reason could you possibly have for being upset with me?"

"Please," scoffed Neku. "You didn't play by my rules. You don't play by anyone's rules but your own."

"Well," said Joshua. "I am the Composer. A god-complex isn't a complex when you're actually a god."

"Not here, you're not," asserted Neku, his confidence fueled by anger. How could he ever have wanted to see this… this brat again? "This is myworld, not yours. You come in here, and you act like you're entitled to a spot in my life. Like you can just, just go through what's mine and pick up what you want and change it so that it works for you. People don't like that, Joshua." Joshua offered one of his so-sue-me shrugs.

"Fine," he said. "What do _you_ want from _me_, Neku?" Neku hesitated. Licked his drying lips.

"I want to go through what's yours, the same way you did to me," he said. Joshua laughed.

"In case you haven't noticed, we're not in my apartment," he said. "All I have with me is the shirt on my back. I don't suppose you want that, do you?" Neku shook his head.

"That's not what I'm talking about," he said. For a fraction of a second, Joshua's pupils widened by just a few hairs. Neku couldn't be sure that he had actually seen anything once it was over.

"Oh," he said. "So you want to scan me, then? You should have just said so, Neku. Very well. Do you have your player pin?" Of course Neku had his player pin. It had been in his pocket when he woke up in the Real Ground, strangely cold and distinctly un-magical amongst the coins and gum. As much as it reminded him of the hell he'd been through, Neku couldn't bring himself to get rid of it. He walked over to his sock drawer and pulled out the disk of metal and plastic.

"I'm not a Player anymore," said Neku. "Will it still work?"

"If you focus hard enough," said Joshua. "I'll help you out, though. Do you feel that?" The pin grew warmer in Neku's hand. The world became slightly clearer and Neku's palm tingled. It was a rush that Neku hadn't noticed when he was playing the Game, the jolt that accompanied accessing things that were usually sealed off. Neku gulped and nodded. "All right, then. Close your eyes and open wide." His eyes already closed, Neku jolted at the connotations of the phrase. Joshua giggled. "Your mind, Neku."

Neku nodded and tried to remember what it was like to scan people in the UG. Now that he wasn't scanning people anymore, it was a difficult skill to pick back up again. He realized that he couldn't even recall what, exactly, it was like to be able to read another person's mind. It was like a word that was just on the tip of his tongue waiting for something to push it into the open, and he hadn't noticed just how much it had been bothering him until now. He heard Joshua sigh and then felt a surge of energy funnel through the pin in his hand. Suddenly it all came back to him, and before he had the chance to appreciate the sensation he was bombarded with images.

Neku didn't know if it was because he hadn't scanned anyone in a while or because he was trying to scan the Composer, but he didn't have the same control now that he had when he was a Player. The thoughts just poured right through to his mind unfiltered until, suddenly, he could feel Joshua shifting the stream in a certain direction.

_He was only five, and he knew that he was special. He could see these people no one else could see, even talk to them if he wanted to. But he knew that he shouldn't – his parents didn't like it when he talked to these people. They said that they weren't real even though he knew that they were. They wouldn't even let him talk about them. So Joshua fell silent…_

_He was older now, and though he hadn't spoken of it in years, they were still there. Joshua knew now that they had died, and that they were trying to regain their lives. He could barely understand why they would ever want to come back to life. Their world seemed so much more exciting. It was so wildly different from his own, in vivid shades of blue and red and yellow and everything in between. The world which Joshua inhabited was an examination of the greyscale…_

_He was out of high school when a splash of color burst over the pages of his life, brightening the darkest corners and creating new levels of texture and tone. Over and over, the name played in his head like it was on loop…_

But Neku felt Joshua steering him away from that.

_It was the December of his twenty-first year when Joshua hunched over the empty, off-white basin of his bathtub. He didn't know why he was bothering to stay off the milky tiles of the floor, but it didn't seem fitting to let himself make a mess of this. It had been a month, and his insides had gone as cold as the frost-covered signposts that lined the streets. How quickly the color had drained from his world once its source was gone. _

_He told himself that it would be quick, and that once it was over he would be on the other side, the side that had so enraptured him as a child, the side made of neon and rapid heartbeats. He told himself this, but even so, he bit his lip as the blade slid along the river of his vein. He was shaking as the red welled up and warmed his cool skin. It was the first color he had seen in weeks…_

The image made Neku sick to his stomach, and he couldn't focus well enough to grab hold of the next stream of images. He recovered and reached out for another memory.

_Everything about this process was painful in a way that Joshua had never imagined he would experience. The light was so bright that it burned his eyes and flooded his brain even when his lids were shut. His innards, his very essence was twisting into some new shape. Over the last few weeks, he had proven himself to be the most powerful Player in the Game, but this force was enough to bring him to his knees and make it a struggle just to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In… Scream. Change was always difficult. _

_When he opened his eyes again, he could see everything…_

_Even though he had moved past breathing, some part of Joshua saw fit to gasp for air in this situation. Either his mind was racing too quickly to examine this behavior or it had vacated the premises all together, because for once, Joshua wasn't thinking at all. Just feeling. Fistfuls of shirt in his hands, heat in his chest, lips on his lips, moaning, pulsing, wanting. He wished that he hadn't worn a shirt with buttons – it was slowing down the whole process far too much – but the hands undoing them were skilled, and soon enough his chest was laid bare._

_His unnecessary breath hitched as rough hands wrapped around his wrists, covering the scars that even divine transformation had left untouched. He wasn't in control anymore, and he didn't care. Was that because he trusted him so much, or just because he wanted him so badly? The question flitted across his stream of consciousness for just an instant before lips engulfed his own again. The stubble would make his face burn later, and the idea was somehow appealing. There were still too many clothes involved in this situation, too much in the way. Joshua opened his eyes and reached up to pull Sanae Hanekoma's sunglasses from his face…_

There was a sudden sound like feedback in Neku's brain – loud and startling and completely unwelcome. The images that had been streaming through his mind dispersed like smoke when a gust comes through. There was a pain that seemed intent on splitting his head in half. Neku squeezed his eyes further shut and clutched at his skull, letting the Player Pin drop from his hand and fall onto the floor. Immediately the sound disappeared and the pain began to let up. His eyes opened and he looked at Joshua, breathing heavily. Joshua looked almost as disconcerted as Neku felt, his right hand clutching at his collarbone as his left curled around his wrist. Had Joshua just forced him out?

After a few seconds, Neku's breathing resumed a normal pace and all that remained of the mental feedback was the slight nausea Neku tended to get whenever he was hurting. He wasn't on the live feed anymore, but the last images, the ones that had been playing when Joshua had pushed him way, were repeating in his head. Now that he wasn't in pain anymore, Neku's mind began to analyze. His eyes went wide.

"You were…" Neku began, but he had to shake his head and start over again. "You and… and Mr. Hanekoma?"

"I didn't mean to let you go there," said Joshua, unusually shaken. Like that was an explanation at all, let alone a reasonable one.

"You and Mr. Hanekoma?" repeated Neku, still not comprehending.

"Our relationship is of a…" started Joshua. He was stumbling for words, but Neku couldn't manage to enjoy this inability to articulate. He wanted answers. "…slightly different nature than I may have let on."

"But," said Neku, now taking his own turn at trying to find words. "But, but – he's a _grownup._"

"Maybe you've forgotten, Neku, but I'm a little older than I look," said Joshua, managing a more confident tone than he had before. "I am not a child. I can handle myself." But the way he said it sounded wrong. Almost too sure, like he was trying to prove something. Ironically, Joshua's voice carried traces of the tone young children use when declaring themselves "big kids". Neku struggled for the proper phrasing of his thoughts for a few seconds and gave up. A few of the other mental images floated across the path of his inner eye: the greyness of the world, the brightness of the UG, the red splashing across Joshua's white skin.

"Joshua…" he started.

"It's getting late," said Joshua, cutting him off. "If you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

"Bed?" asked Neku. "You don't _have_ a…" This time it was utter bewilderment that stopped Neku midsentence, as Joshua had crawled under the covers of _his_ bed, jeans and button down shirt and everything, and closed his eyes. Neku thought for a few seconds about speaking his mind: saying that no, no, this was absolutely not okay, that Joshua had crossed more than his fair share of boundaries and that Neku had to draw the line somewhere. But it _was_ getting late, and he didn't think that he had the energy to try to reason with someone who invaded people's beds without the slightest hesitation. So he changed into his pajamas, made up a bed on the floor with extra blankets, and fell asleep.

His slumber was light and fluttery, his dreams rife with people whose flesh turned intangible upon attempted contact, with razor blades the glinted not quite brightly enough to make the real world feel alive, with gunshots that made his ears ring and his heart pound. Neku's eyes flew open, and he thought that he heard a whisper of "I'm sorry," but he could have just as easily dreamt it.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, so thank you to all you guys who reviewed, favorited, or put this story on your alerts! I tried to reply to all of the reviews, but I had some issues with the new format for PMing... (read: I'm stupid). So sorry to those of you who didn't get replies. I'll try harder next time, if you deign to review future chapters.

I'm noticing typos in my work, which means that I should really stop writing them in the late hours when I'm not studying or writing English papers, but that's the time I have, so this is what you're getting. I feel like it took me a long time to get this up, and I think it may be a little shorter than my other chapters, so sorry about that. I blame school. It gets in the way of my fandom activities. Also, I apologize for any way I eff with canon. If you didn't read the disclaimers in the first chapter, read them now. They all apply. I don't think that there's anything in this chapter that's so objectionable that I need to warn you guys, so... enjoy!

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><p>Joshua wasn't in bed when Neku's alarm woke him up the next morning. For a few minutes, Neku wondered if any of it had happened at all, and quickly came to the conclusion that if he had imagined the whole scenario, he wouldn't have been sleeping on the floor. He sat up and twisted to the right so that half his vertebrae cracked and reworded that thought: he <em>definitely<em> wouldn't have been sleeping on the floor.

So where the hell was Joshua? Had he only planned on staying one night? That didn't seem exactly fair to do without informing his host, but "fair" probably wasn't the right word to describe Joshua. Besides, why should Neku care? After everything that had happened last night, it would have made sense for him to want Joshua out of his life. Yes, Neku had died and gone through things that nearly no one on this plane would have believed, but the world had reverted to its normal state when he was revived. Same streets, same people, same signs. Same silent parents. Different friends, but it was normal for a kid Neku's age to change up the social scene occasionally. Neku's life was leveling out, and Joshua… Joshua wasn't helping with that.

But Neku was coming to the realization that maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Something about his life going back to normal so quickly didn't feel quite right to him. Aside from his occasional Game-related conversations with Shiki, no one really mentioned the time they spent being dead. Or at least, they didn't discuss it with one another. When they were together, they were so caught up in just being normal kids that Neku couldn't find a place to step in and say "Hey, remember that time that I got shot and you guys all died in car accidents? And then we ran around in a different spiritual plane, and Shiki was my entry fee and then I got shot again? Yeah, those were the good old days." It didn't help that being with Shiki usually meant being around Eri, too. Not that Neku disliked Eri. Even if he didn't always enjoy her incessant stream of chatter, she seemed to make Shiki really happy, so her presence was worth it. It was just that she didn't know anything about the Game, or even that Shiki had died, so they couldn't talk about it around her.

Neku could tell that Shiki wasn't exactly keen on talking about their time in the afterlife anymore, either. Every time Neku brought the subject up, she said a sentence on the matter, at most, and then switched the topic. He had been surprised by her willingness to talk about Joshua the other day until he realized that if there was one thing Shiki loved (besides fashion), it was talking about relationships, especially romantic ones. Or rather, relationships which she perceived as romantic and which Neku couldn't quite describe without sounding like an idiot. But other than discussing Joshua, it appeared that Shiki was entirely content with letting the events of the Game pass quietly from her mind. Rhyme and Beat were the same way, with Beat lowering his voice every time Neku made some passing reference to his time as a Reaper and Rhyme simply quoting adages about seizing the day.

Well, maybe they were okay with forgetting, but Neku was not. As it turned out, holding onto those memories was more difficult than Neku would have guessed. It was so easy to let the trailing ends of the past slip through his fingers now that life was reverting to its previous patterns. All that Neku could do to keep from losing hold was to take the closest loose thread and wrap it tight in his fist, refusing to let go. It just so happened that that thread was Joshua. Joshua was the big mystery, the unanswered question. Well, actually, he was the unanswered _questions_. All of them.

When Joshua had approached Neku the day before, Neku had thought he might finally get some sort of resolution. It was strange that he couldn't let go of the worst three weeks of his not-life, but he had thought that maybe Joshua could provide closure for him. But Joshua hadn't even answered the one major question Neku had asked him, the one that bothered him the most: _"__Do__ you __even __feel__ sorry__ for__ what__ you __did?__" _His trip into the dark and tumultuous mind of Yoshiya Kiryu hadn't done very much good, either. Now there were more questions that Neku needed answered, and he knew that he probably wasn't going to get what he wanted.

As though he had heard Neku thinking about him (which was, in all actuality, wholly plausible), Joshua strode back into the room, wearing – what else? – one of Neku's school uniforms.

"What are you doing in that?" asked Neku, exhausted despite having woken up less than thirty minutes ago.

"You have three guesses," said Joshua, cricking a lip. _You__'__re __trying __out __for __the __role__ of__ "__asshole __in__ Neku__'__s __uniform__." __You__ wanted __to__ see __how __it__ would __look __on__ you.__ You__'__re __trying __to__ make __me __squirm._ Neku thought that the last one was entirely possible.

"You can't just show up at my school," he said out loud. "You have to take entrance exams. They have to accept you. They have to know that you're going there."

"Neku, Neku, Neku," said Joshua, shaking his head. "Why must you always underestimate me like this?" He was acting like the same old Joshua: self-centered, stuck up, acting like people were little dolls that he could pick up and move for his convenience. From what Neku had gathered over the short span of their conversation thus far, he was content with pretending that last night had ever happened. He was going to go on with his I-run-this-world attitude, pushing people around as it suited him. And Neku was beginning to realize that there was nothing he could do about it.

"Fine," he said dully. Strangely enough, his apathy appeared to spark a reaction in Joshua: he pursed his lips and his right eyebrow shot up high.

"Oh?" asked Joshua. "Really?" Neku shrugged.

"There's nothing I can do about it," he said. Joshua's eyes narrowed, scrutinizing Neku's face, which remained completely impassive.

"Well, then," said Joshua. "Shall we go?"

"It's up to you, Joshua," said Neku, his voice flat as a dead man's heart monitor. "You're in charge." Again, this complicity gave Joshua pause. He opened his mouth only to quickly close it and adopt a pleased expression.

"To school it is, then," said Joshua. He headed for the door and tossed Neku a smile over his shoulder. "I'll get to meet all of your friends. How exciting!" Neku narrowed his eyes. That smile was mocking, it had to be. If, as Neku suspected, Joshua had been keeping track of him since the Game's end, he had to know that Neku didn't really have any friends at school. Reminding himself that it was Joshua's way, that this was probably some attempt to get a reaction out of him, Neku nodded.

"Sure," he said, comforted by the knowledge that he at least wouldn't have to introduce Joshua to anyone.

Didn't it just figure that having Joshua around suddenly made Neku a magnet for attention? Leave it to Joshua to screw up Neku's place in the world. No one had looked at him twice since primary school, but now people swarmed around his desk, wanting to know who his _friend_ was and asking if Neku was going to introduce him. The crowd mainly consisted of girls who Neku never would have guessed knew his name, but a few male eyes wandered over to the silver haired snarker, as well. After what felt like the thirtieth time introducing Joshua, Neku sighed and said "Why don't you just ask him yourself?" The girl gave him an offended look and huffed off to join the group of girls surrounding Joshua the next desk over. Wishing that he could wear his headphones without fear of having them taken away, Neku took out a pencil and began to sketch almost without thinking. Two lips, curved and smiling, the smooth arc of a slim jaw, eyes with a hint of mischievous laughter… Fuck! Why was he drawing Joshua? Neku put the pencil down and crumpled up the paper as his eyes slid over to Joshua's desk.

The asshole had nearly every girl in class swarmed around him, and this had happened every time there wasn't a teacher in the room to admonish them. He had stuck with that crap story about his parents traveling the globe and was currently expounding upon his adventures in Belize with the sort of cool confidence of someone far too well versed in lying. The crowd hung on his every word, so enraptured that Neku could practically see the cartoon hearts in their eyes. If they only knew the truth… He would probably find some way to make them like him, anyway. These poor people didn't know what had hit them. The thought made Neku's stomach churn.

Well, in all honesty, there was actually one other thought that might have been responsible for Neku's internal acrobatics. The way that Joshua was so easy around these people, the way he would occasionally entertain their affections by smiling sideways at one member of the crowd, it made Neku feel… strange. Unsettled. He couldn't put a finger on why, exactly, until he realized that Joshua appeared to be _flirting_ with these people. _Flirting_, like Shiki said he had been flirting with Neku during the game. If Joshua was flirting with these people he had just meant, then maybe the way he had spoken to Neku meant nothing at all. No interest, no crush. He was just toying with Neku the same way that he toyed with everyone else. Come to think of it, maybe he hadn't even come back for Neku at all. Maybe he just wanted to spend some time seducing the innocent. There was a sourness in Neku's stomach: anger, disappointment, jealousy? The emotion itself was silly. It shouldn't matter to him whether or not Joshua was paying attention to other people, and he knew it. Neku turned his eyes back towards his paper, smoothing it out again over his desk and erasing the starting lines of Joshua's face. He lifted his pencil to draw something else but put it back down before drawing a single stroke. He didn't say a word to Joshua for the rest of the school day.

"You know, Neku," said Joshua as they exited through the front doors of Neku's high school. "If you don't want people to know what you're thinking, you shouldn't be so obvious about it. Brooding all day, sulking in silence instead of basking appreciatively in the glow as any normal person would have."

"What would _you_ know about normal people?" snapped Neku, his cheeks reddening.

"You might as well come out and say it," said Joshua. "It's not as though you're hiding anything from me, anyway." No, he wasn't going to do that. He wasn't going to give Joshua the satisfaction of admitting aloud that he wanted the attention. But the words were building up behind his tongue. Pressure was increasing so steadily that by the time Neku opened his mouth, a whole sentence rushed out.

"Did you really come back here for me?" he blurted. That haughty expression dropped from Joshua's face in an instant, his eyes widened, his brows raised. None of his previous confidence remained, and all in less time than it takes a hummingbird to beat its wings. In that same moment, Neku's phone beeped, alerting him that he had a new text message. Since Joshua apparently didn't intend to answer his question, Neku dug through his pocket and examined his phone.

"_Wanna __meet __up?__Usual __spot. __R/B __may__ show.__"_ It was from Shiki. Neku looked back up at Joshua. His arms were folded across his chest and his top teeth were biting his lower lip.

"This isn't your world," said Neku for the second time in as many days, before typing "_okay_" and pressing the send button. "We're going to Hachiko."

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><p>"We're meeting your friend Shiki?" asked Joshua.<p>

"Maybe Rhyme and Beat, too," said Neku. "Their school is further away, though, so it'll take them a while to get here. Are you ever going to answer any of my questions?" Joshua hadn't even opened his mouth when Shiki appeared on the horizon, her redheaded best friend in tote. The laughter of the two girls mixed and carried down the busy street as Joshua offered nothing more than a noncommittal shrug.

"I hope you don't mind that I brought Eri…" said Shiki while she approached, but her sentence trailed off as her lens-covered eyes caught sight of the extra boy in Neku's party. "But I guess you brought a friend, too." Joshua dialed up the charm, smiling and holding out his hand.

"I don't believe we've ever been formally introduced," he said. "Yoshiya Kiryu, but you can call me Joshua." Something happened behind the plastic of Shiki's thick glasses where at least twenty different emotions were reflected in her eyes: recognition, shock, awe, interest, and not a small amount of sheer horror crossed Shiki's face. For a second, she looked as if she were about to throw up, which Neku could fully understand. It was one thing to talk about Joshua, but completely another to be faced with him in person.

"Shiki Misaki," said Shiki once the green had faded from her skin. "And this is my friend, Eri."

"Hiya," said Eri, waving her fingers and smiling brightly. She looked at her friend. "Are you okay, Shiki? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine," said Shiki, anxiously pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. She didn't look like she was "fine," and Neku felt guilt, cold and heavy, in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't even imagined that Shiki would have such a negative reaction to seeing Joshua.

"Shiki—" he said, but the girl shook her head.

"I'm fine," she said again, this time more firmly. She put on a smile. "So, Joshua, did you come to visit Neku?" Joshua briefly flicked his eyes towards Neku.

"Yes," he said. His lips curved up, but the smile was thin and weak. Distinctly un-Joshua. "Six months is a long time to go without seeing such a close friend. Too long."

"So…" said Eri awkwardly, clearly trying to alleviate the obvious strangeness of the conversation. "How do you to know each other, Neku?"

"Oh, us?" asked Neku, wracking his brain for a plausible lie. Unfortunately, the only one that kept flashing through his head was, inexplicably, _"__We__ met__ at__ sky__diving __class __last__ year.__" _He settled on a simple, "We go way back," instead.

"You could say that we met in a past life," said Joshua, his voice regaining the confidence of knowing something someone else doesn't. Neku stifled a bit of a laugh at the blank expression on Eri's face and even Shiki held a hand to her lips to cover a giggle.

"I don't get it," said Eri earnestly. "What's so funny?"

"Eri…" said Shiki, who was rapidly dissolving into laughter. "Your face…" Eri quickly closed her mouth and scowled.

"Ha ha ha," she drawled. "Let's all laugh at Eri now. At least none of you look like you're going to pass out or be sick anymore." Still laughing, Shiki wrapped her arms around her glaring friend, pulling her into an embrace. After a second, Eri softened and returned the hug.

"Hey, Shiki," said Neku once their love-fest interlude had ended. "Are Beat and Rhyme coming, too?"

"Oh, yeah," said Shiki. "They should be getting here any minute now."

"Speak of the devil," said Eri, looking over her shoulder to see the pair approaching. Well, they were both approaching, but they weren't exactly a pair. Beat was traveling at a dead run at least twenty feet ahead of his sister, who strolled behind him with her hands in her pockets and a weary expression on her young face.

"Haste makes waste, Beat," she said, just loudly enough that the four at the statue could hear her. Neku noticed that she sounded a bit congested, not entirely over her cold.

"You didn't start the party without us, didja?" yelled Beat. "Hey, did Neku bring somebo—" About four paces from the group, Beat stopped dead in his tracks, the smile dropping off his face."What's the prissy kid doing here?"

"Hello, Beat," said Joshua, waving a hand obliviously. It had to be feigned obliviousness, though. There was no way Joshua could be missing the waves of antipathy coming off the skater. "I didn't think you would remember me."

"Wish I didn't," answered Beat. Rhyme finally caught up to her older brother.

"I wish you wouldn't run ahead of me like that," she said wistfully. "Hi, guys. Neku, who's your friend?"

"I'm Joshua," said Joshua, holding out his hand for Rhyme. Ever courteous, Rhyme smiled pleasantly and shook it.

"It's nice to meet you," she said. "I'm Rhyme, and this is my brother, Beat."

"Oh, your brother and I are already acquainted," said Joshua. Beat glared at him.

"_Acquainted_ my ass, you—"

"Beat!" said Neku sharply. Face still an angry shade of red, Beat turned his attention towards Neku. "Not now."

"Shiki, who is this guy?" asked Eri quietly.

"Ummm…" replied Shiki. "He's… Joshua?"

"I seem to have caused a bit of a disturbance," noted Joshua, placing his hand beneath his chin.

"That ain't even—" started Beat, but Neku shot him a look. Obviously still frustrated, Beat took a fistful of Neku's shirt in his fist and pulled him closer, so that he could see every ounce of rage in Beat's eyes. "Phones, can I talk to you?" Beat glanced around before pointing a finger at the door of Sunshine Burger. "Over there?" Neku sighed.

"Sure, Beat," he said. Still holding onto that handful of fabric, Beat pulled Neku through the crowds and towards Sunshine Burger. Looking over one shoulder at his sister, he yelled:

"Don't talk to 'im, Rhyme!"

"Don't judge a book by its cover, Beat!" Rhyme called back.

"I ain't judgin' him by his cover!" shouted Beat. "It's his guts and…" He let out a sigh and lowered his volume. "Ah, never mind. Phones, we gotta talk about this."

"Go ahead," said Neku reluctantly.

"What's he doin' here, man?" asked Beat.

"I don't really know," admitted Neku. "I was walking by the Udagawa mural and he just kind of showed up. He said that he wanted to visit me. I don't know why, or how long he's going to be staying in my house—"

"Hang on a sec," interrupted Beat. "He's in your house?" Neku nodded. "You crazy, Phones? You remember what this kid did, right? He was gonna blow up Shibuya!"

"No one said anything about blowing it up," Neku pointed out, but he had to admit Beat's argument was shockingly sound.

"Whatever," said Beat. "You get what I mean. He ain't a good guy." Neku thought about that statement for a minute. Joshua wasn't a good guy. He was controlling and manipulative and generally exhibited all the traits of a patently bad person. Neku would know, having been murdered by the guy twice over. Joshua wasn't a good guy. This wasn't news; Neku had known it since the end of the Game. But he'd let Joshua back into his life, anyway, and not just because it was inevitable. In some place tucked deep into the corners of his mind, he'd been _wishing _Joshua back into his life for the past six months, knowing full well that Joshua wasn't a good person (or, for that matter, really even a person anymore).

"I know," said Neku. Beat's eyes widened, and Neku considered briefly that it may have been the first time he'd ever won an argument. He continued: "He's not a good person. But… but he's still a part of our lives, you know?" Slowly, Beat shook his head.

"Naw, man," he said. "Not mine." An idea struck Neku: maybe that was true. For Beat, and for Shiki, as well. Joshua wasn't a part of their lives anymore. When confronted with Joshua after six months, Neku had quickly accepted him back into his world. Joshua didn't _take _a spot in his life, Neku had given it to him. Shiki and Beat had reacted so strongly because they hadn't invited him in, hadn't expected him. For them, Joshua didn't belong there.

For Neku…

"Right," said Neku. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to keep him away from you guys?"

"You ain't kickin' him out?" asked Beat. "I don't like the sound of that, man."

"I know it's stupid," said Neku. He struggled to find the right words, words that could somehow make Beat understand what he was feeling. Neku wasn't sure if that was even possible, though, considering that he himself didn't understand what he was feeling. "But I'm just not ready to let him go." Beat took a second, bit his lip, and finally nodded.

"Yeah, I get it," he said. "Just… watch your back, 'kay, Phones?"

"Every second of every day," muttered Neku, and by unspoken agreement, the two made their way back to the rest of the group.

"Is everything all sorted out now?" This was from Joshua, whose ever-present smirk was most likely doing him no favors in Beat's opinion on him. Indeed, Beat shot him dubious glance before saying anything. Then again, it could have been because he couldn't tell whether or not Joshua was making fun of him.

"Yeah," he said. "Sorry 'bout that, guys. Me 'n Phones had to talk about… uh… income taxes." Neku sighed deeply. Beat was a great guy, really, but he couldn't tell a lie to save his life. Then again, that was probably part of what made him such a good person. Neku looked over at Joshua, at that inscrutable smile, those eyes that hid so much without forfeiting their clarity. There was nothing about Joshua that Neku understood wholly.

"I'm starved," said Shiki, moving past Beat's blatant lies. "Who wants to eat?"

"Ooh, let's hit up Mexican Hot Dog!" suggested Eri eagerly.

"It's so unhealthy…" said Rhyme, sneezing at the end of her sentence. Beat grabbed a tissue from his pocket and handed it to her.

"How 'bout Sunshine?" asked Beat. "Since we're right here an' everythin'."

"Not such a fan," said Joshua, holding up his hands.

"Oh, this new place opened up," suggested Shiki. "Shadow Ramen, I think it was?"

"No," said Joshua and Neku in unison.

"Might I suggest Ramen Don?" asked Joshua. He smiled at his former partner. "It _is_ a classic." They went around the circle and universally agreed that Ramen Don was their best shot at getting some decent, non-controversial food. Neku smiled. Even if every other part of the Composer was an enigma, there was one thing Neku did know about Joshua: he was no slouch when it came to what he ate.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello, readers! I feel pretty bad about my laziness right now... This is the first fic where I've gotten a substantial number of alerts (since all of my previous fics have been oneshots), and I went almost two months between updates. I apologize! I'd say that I was busy with finals, but I was really just being a slob. I tried to make up for it a little by making this chapter a bit longer, but I can't exactly guarantee that it's worth the wait. You guys are awesome! I don't deserve you!

Anyways, the disclaimers from the first chapter still apply. There is a little bit more cursing in this chapter than in the previous ones, so if that offends you, you might want to wait for me to publish another chapter (whenever _that _may be), or just stop reading altogether. I'm a pretty curse-happy person in real life, and if it's just beginning to leak out now, that's a new record for me. There's also a return of the Hanekoma/Joshua flavor, but, again, it's still not the main focus of the story. To whoever is reading, thanks so much for sticking with me.

* * *

><p>"Ugh," said Eri, wrinkling her nose at Neku's ramen, which was topped with a whole, steaming sea bream. "How can you <em>eat<em>something that looks like _that_?"

"Easy," said Neku, attacking the sea bream head on to take a bite. His mouth flooded with the savory taste of fresh seafood, the salty tang of ocean. He closed his eyes, lost in the flavor, chewed, and swallowed. When he opened his eyes again, Eri was still wearing that same appalled expression. "Like that," he said.

"Wassa matter, Eri?" asked Beat, digging into the curry Ken Doi had prepared especially for him. "Ain't ya ever eaten here before? The weird stuff's, like, outta this world!"

"Of course I've eaten here before," said Eri defensively. "I just prefer to stick to what I know, thank you very much." She took a bite of her shoyu ramen as Neku dug into his own dish with gusto. Once more, she curled her upper lip as though he had just wiped his nose on his palm and then held it out for a handshake. "I don't care _what_ it tastes like, I don't eat anything that looks so… seaworthy."

"I understand perfectly," agreed Joshua. "The experimental dishes may be exquisite, but Eri and I simply prefer the classics."

"What he said," said Eri, with a touch of the airiness Neku had last seen in Joshua's adoring mass of fans. Shiki must have noticed this, too, because something painful twisted behind her eyes as she looked at her friend. She turned her gaze down towards her bowl, and the steam clouded up her glasses so that she couldn't see anything anymore. Great. They'd only been here fifteen minutes, and Joshua had already managed to alienate one party member.

"I bet it's all delicious," said Rhyme wistfully. "I still can't taste very well…" She took a spoonful of the plain broth she had ordered (ever the sensible one in the group) and promptly sneezed, splattering the liquid into her older brother's face. A dumbfounded look on his face, Beat sat completely still for a few seconds before reaching into his pocket and handing his sister a tissue. She blew her nose and looked at Beat apologetically. "Sorry."

"No problem," said Beat, wiping his face with a large palm.

The silences between bursts of conversation felt like miniature eternities – the addition of Joshua to the group seemed to have subtracted something important from the dynamic. Joshua was acting like his normal, snotty self, but everyone else had changed. Beat was making a valiant effort, but he could barely mask the waves of loathing wafting from him towards Joshua, and Shiki turned slightly green every time the Composer addressed her. Suffering from the aftermath of her cold, Rhyme wasn't the upbeat conversationalist she normally was, and, while neither she nor Eri knew exactly why there was so much tension in the air, they definitely sensed that something was amiss and were responding accordingly.

"I'm really sorry, you guys, but I…" started Shiki, taking off her glasses and wiping them with the bottom of her shirt. Without the lenses covering them, Neku could see the conflict in her eyes, the anguish. He put a hand to his forehead. This was all his fault. "I have to go home. Schoolwork." She pulled a handful of coins from her pocket and laid them on the table. "I'll... I'll see you later." She stood from her seat and all but ran out of the restaurant.

"I had better follow her," said Eri, already pushing her chair back. She laid her own money on the table. "This should cover it. Joshua, it was nice meeting you." There was a twist in her lips that suggested that she wasn't quite certain of that last statement.

"Likewise," said Joshua, raising a hand. Eri nodded and followed Shiki's path out the door. Neku looked back to Beat, who he suspected wouldn't last long now that Shiki and Eri had left. Indeed, the skater was shifting uncomfortably where he sat.

"Uh, Rhyme n' me should prob'ly get back, too," he said. "She's sick, y'know?"

"Beat, I'm not _that_ sick," protested Rhyme.

"Hahahahahaha," laughed Beat nervously. "Ain't that cute? Nah, really, we should… go."

"It's fine, Beat," said Neku. "I'll see you some other time." Beat nodded and leaned in a little closer to Neku's face, his voice lowered.

"Thanks, man," he said. "Nothin' against you."

"Don't worry about it," whispered Neku. "I understand." Beat handed his money – enough to pay for himself and Rhyme – to Neku and led his sister from the Ramen Don. Once they were clearly out of view, Neku shot a look at Joshua, who was leaning back in his chair.

"I don't see why they all had to run off like that," said the Composer nonchalantly. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Yeah, you did something wrong!" said Neku, boiling over. "You put all of them through absolute, basically literal hell! Every single one of them, except Eri, but even _she_ noticed that something was wrong. Of _course_ none of them wanted to be around you – you almost ruined their lives!"

"You make it sound like I killed them," said Joshua. Neku bit his tongue, enraged. No. There was no possible way he had said that without expecting some kind of reaction, and Neku decided that he wasn't going to fight it. He was going to give that bastard the best reaction he had.

"No," he said icily. "That was just me, wasn't it?"

"You're special," said Joshua, a smirk creeping onto his face.

"Special!" Neku rejected the word, spat it back out at Joshua with venom.

"Well, you _are_the only one who can stand to be around me, aren't you?" asked Joshua.

"That's getting less true every second," growled Neku. "What are you trying to _do _to me? I'm not a part of your Game anymore!" From the counter, Ken Doi laughed roughly.

"Lovers' spat?" he joked.

"No," said Neku sharply. The smile, still on Joshua's face, grew wider.

"Oh, now," he said, that mocking laughter bubbling just below the surface of his words. "There's no need to be like that, dear."

"Quit it," said Neku, the short phrase cutthroat and cold.

"What was that?" asked Joshua, frowning.

"Don't call me that anymore," said Neku. "Don't act like this… this _relationship_, or whatever it is we have here, is anything other than completely fucked up. You're a user, Joshua. That's all you ever do to people: use them. And then you throw them away and don't look back. I don't know what the hell you think you're doing here with me, but cut the shit. Stop saying those things to me. I'm not your boyfriend. I was your Proxy, and I'm not even that anymore."

"Well, then," said Joshua, folding his hands on the table. "You never seemed to mind before; why the change of heart?"

"I figured out that everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie," said Neku. "Special? Special my ass. Unless every single girl in our class is 'special,' too." Neku knew that he had said too much when the corners of Joshua's lips turned up.

"So it's about _that_," he said. Neku's fists shook at his sides. He made it sound so _petty_, so like the jealous rage of an infatuated teenager. Like it was something so below his level that he could look down at it and smile and call it cute. _Oh,__ how__ cute.__ I__'__ve__ hurt __his__ little__ feelings._ _He__ actually__ believed__ that__ I__ felt__ something __for__ him.__ He __actually __believed__ that __he__ was__ special._ Neku cursed himself for having mentioned it in the first place. He shouldn't have let Joshua know that it bothered him.

"No, it isn't, you asshole," grumbled Neku. He took out all the money he had and slammed it down on the table. Staring at his shoes, he shoved his hands deep into his pockets and mumbled a "fuck you" before exiting the establishment. That bastard. That jackass. That manipulative, horrible, irredeemable _fucker_. He waltzed right into Neku's life without asking permission, and proceeded to fuck up absolutely everything. And it was Neku's fault for wishing him there in the first place. He didn't know what he had been thinking. Before Joshua, things were getting back to normal. No, not just that. They were getting to a _better_ version of normal. He had friends now, and he appreciated his life, and he was happy for the first time in a long time. He couldn't even figure out why he'd wanted Joshua there in the first place. Was he so naïve as to think that the Composer's presence would do anything other than tear him up inside? After all, that was what it had always done before.

"If you wanted me to stop talking to your classmates, you could have just asked," said Joshua, projecting from a distance. Neku turned his head briefly to see Joshua approaching him from just outside the Ramen Don, but quickly looked away and continued walking forward. Joshua was still smirking like a self-satisfied housecat up to no good. Did he really not get it, or was he just that cruel? "Passive aggression will get you nowhere, dear." Neku wheeled around.

"I told you not to call me that!" he yelled. There was a fair amount of pedestrian traffic surrounding Joshua and Neku, and every single person was staring at the kid losing his shit next to the Ramen Don. Neku didn't care. If reaming out Joshua in public was what he needed to get the guy out of his system, he was going to do it. "What the hell is wrong with you, Joshua? You spend all your time messing with people's minds, with their whole lives. You make people fucking _miserable_, and when someone calls you on your bullshit, you treat it like a joke. Maybe this is all just a game to you, but it's more than that to us. We have our own lives and our own feelings, and maybe it's self-centered, but they're really important to us. Do you get that at all? Do you even _have_ feelings anymore?"

"I—" started Joshua, but Neku wasn't finished.

"And the way you talk to me – it _means_ something to normal people," said Neku, disliking the edge in his voice, the one that made it obvious that there was something to this other than anger. "You don't just throw words around, okay? You don't flirt with someone and then turn around and say the exact same thing to twenty other people. It's not fair…" He caught himself and quickly added, "To those girls," in an attempt to save his credibility as anything other than a silly boy with a crush.

"Neku," said Joshua. Neku shook his head. He was angry, and embarrassed, and possibly even a little bit heartbroken, and he didn't want to hear it.

"No," he said. "Don't say anything. You can come back home with me, but I don't want to talk to you anymore today." Surprisingly enough, Joshua nodded, his expression finally free of all arrogance and mocking glints. Neku turned away from the other boy, slid his headphones over his ears, and cranked up the volume.

* * *

><p>Neku's parents didn't make it home for dinner that night, but it was just as well. Mr. and Mrs. Sakuraba adored Joshua for reasons Neku couldn't fathom, and, had they been there, probably would have tried to persuade Neku to join their lovely dinner conversation. Since they were both working late, Neku was able to reheat leftovers for himself and eat in his room, leaving the silenced Composer to his own devices. He lay in bed, headphones over his ears, empty plastic container of leftovers on his stomach, and tried to drown out any thought that dared enter his mind.<p>

When Joshua opened the door and walked into the room at ten-thirty, Neku switched off the lamp and rolled over onto his side to avoid making eye contact. He dialed the music down lower, but his brain was clamoring around, still running in circles while Neku's muscles were trying to relax. The Player Pin could make it so that no one else could read your thoughts, but was there one that could make it so that you couldn't read your own mind? After a few hours, Neku's thoughts wore themselves out, and he was able to slip into a fitful sleep.

Morning came far too early. The battery in Neku's mp3 player must have given up at some point in the night, because he was awoken by the barely-muffled sounds of Joshua talking on his phone. In his half-consciousness, Neku inwardly cursed Joshua. He couldn't have left the room before making a call? Really? It was a Saturday morning, and Neku just wanted to sleep until all of his problems were solved for the rest of his life.

"I…" said Joshua. To his credit, his voice was lowered in a small gesture of consideration. "Listen, I'd rather not talk about this over the phone." A pause. "I'll see you at eleven."

Neku kept his eyes closed, determined not to show the slightest bit of interest in Joshua's phone call. He didn't know whether or not the Composer knew he was awake – he didn't _think_ Joshua was scanning him, although he could never be entirely sure of that – but if he didn't open his eyes, he figured that Joshua wouldn't bother him. Still, he was intrigued in spite of himself. Who was Joshua calling? What were they talking about that he didn't want to discuss over the phone? Where was he going at eleven? What time was it now, anyway?

One thing was certain: if Joshua _had_ been scanning his once-Proxy, he would know by now that Neku's sleep was feigned. Neku opened his eyes and sat up in bed. Joshua was sitting on the floor in a heap of blankets, the school uniform he had worn the day before creased from being worn overnight. His silver hair was disheveled, with wisps and strands flying out of order. His left hand loosely gripped his phone, flipped open, and although his eyes were turned in the direction of its screen, their focus was elsewhere.

"Where are you going?" asked Neku, his voice still a bit gravelly from sleep. Joshua's head snapped up, and the phone slipped from his hand and onto the pile of blankets. His expression was startled; he clearly hadn't been scanning Neku, after all.

"Neku," he said. "I didn't know you were awake."

"Your phone call woke me up," said Neku. "Where are you going in," he looked at the digital clock by his bed, "an hour?"

"Are we on speaking terms again?" asked Joshua. There was no snarky undertone; it was an earnest inquiry. Neku took a long, hard look at him. His hair, his clothes, the angles and lines of his face– nothing about Joshua was as polished as it usually was. It was strange, but it seemed more honest, somehow. Like Joshua wasn't hiding what he felt. Like he felt something at all.

"If you answer the question, then, yeah," said Neku. "I guess."

"I was just going to head over to the WildKat," said Joshua. "I need to talk with Sa— Mr. Hanekoma. You can come with me if you would like, but you don't have to." Neku thought it over. He was still angry at Joshua, that was for sure. Things between them were going to be tense for the rest of the day at least, and probably longer. This trip could be absolutely miserable and uncomfortable. Chances were, it would be. But the fact remained that Neku didn't really have anything else to do that day, aside from schoolwork. Not to mention that Neku hadn't seen Mr. Hanekoma since the end of the Game or gotten a proper chance to thank him. He was really craving an overpriced cup of coffee and some casual banter with someone who wouldn't make his stomach feel like it was full of snakes.

"I'm going," he said. Joshua raised his eyebrows.

"Oh?" he asked. "I don't know why I assumed that you would say 'no.' All right, then. I thought that I might take a shower, and then we could leave." Neku nodded.

"Sounds fine," he said awkwardly. Their eyes still held contact with each other's, and Joshua's lips parted briefly before he broke the spell. With one hand, Joshua scooped up his cell phone and pushed the blankets off his legs. As he left the room, he combed his fingers once through his hair, but the flyaway strands seemed to take it as a challenge and stuck out even more stubbornly.

The water turned on, and Neku walked over to his closet for something to wear, wondering why Joshua was going to visit Hanekoma in the first place. Usually, during the Game, he had gone to Hanekoma with issues regarding his cell phone. Or, at least, that was what Joshua had let Neku believe. Neku didn't think that that was the reason this time, but he sent out a silent prayer to any available deity (other than the one who was in his shower right now) that Joshua wasn't tracking anything with his phone right now. Clearly Joshua could yank Neku around a fair amount with impunity, but he was _not_ going to drag Neku back into the Game. Three weeks were more than enough for him.

He decided on a black t-shirt and a faded pair of blue jeans. He wasn't trying to impress anyone, and although the rips at the cuffs of his jeans would have driven Shiki into a mending frenzy, he doubted that he was going to see her that day. After the group lunch yesterday, Neku was pretty sure that his friends were going to be avoiding him until Joshua cleared out of town. Whenever that may be. Neku fixed his hair to his liking as he heard the water shut off. Minutes later, a towel-wrapped and dripping Joshua walked into the room and stationed himself in front of Neku's closet. He stared at the collection of jeans, t-shirt, and impractically sleeveless jackets, occasionally pushing an item to one side or the other, before pulling down a button-down shirt and unmarked jeans.

"Those are—" started Neku, probably more surprised than he should have been that Joshua was wearing his clothes without permission. Joshua looked at him, daring him to say something about it, but Neku didn't want to have this fight right now. He closed his mouth and shook his head. He guessed that it wasn't like Joshua had anything else to wear, anyway. In the UG you could wear the same thing every day if you wanted to, but it was different in the RG. When it became obvious that Joshua wasn't leaving the room to put on his newly acquired clothing, Neku sat down on his bed and pretending to become immensely interested in the buttons on his digital clock. His face was warm, probably a shade that was somewhere between rosy and downright red. He hoped that Joshua didn't notice. He didn't need to know that he had any more power over Neku.

"Are you ready to go?" asked the Composer after a few minutes. Neku looked up to see Joshua standing before him, somehow pulling off Neku's admittedly unfashionable ensemble, his hair mysteriously dry and orderly. Maybe it was a god thing.

"Sure," replied Neku. Joshua headed out of the room first, and Neku was just about to follow him through the door when he caught sight of his player pin, glinting in the midmorning light. Remembering his earlier anxiety about being scanned, Neku slid the pin off the top of his dresser and quickly fastened it to the waist of his jeans, where his t-shirt would hide it from sight. The slight weight at his waistband made him feel more secure as he left the room.

The walk down to Cat Street was longer than he remembered it being, but maybe that was because he and Joshua were in such a strained state. Although Neku had established that they were, in fact, on speaking terms again, the casual observer probably would have thought differently. There was sound on the street, but dead silence between the two walking boys. In the past, Neku had tended to welcome silence and even embrace it, but this was downright unnatural. Neku had never known Joshua to be quiet. Enigmatic? Maybe. Devious? Definitely. But never quiet. He wouldn't even shut up when he was injured in battle. This time, the only words that passed between them were when Neku looked over to see the Composer staring at the screen of his cell phone. When Joshua put the phone back in his pocket, he caught Neku's eyes.

"Just checking the time," he assured. Neku's hand searched for the pin at his waist band. Still there. He guessed that Joshua had been right before; he really was that transparent. It was about a minute more before they wound up in front of the WildKat. The café looked exactly as it had six months ago, when Neku had left the UG. He noted the symbol by the door, the one that denoted it as a zone where the living and Players could interact as though they weren't from totally different worlds. A little part of him thrilled at the idea of seeing Players again. He wondered what the Game was like for them, since Joshua wasn't in control at the moment. How did whatever temps Joshua had sent in run the Game? Was it different?

Without waiting for his once-partner, Joshua proceeded through the door. Neku would just have to ask Hanekoma himself. The door had kind of a pulse to it when Neku pushed it open, a warmth of its own, the same way that the player pin had warmth. The air inside felt different than the air inside, not in temperature, but in some unnamable _quality_. Neku knew that he never would have sensed the difference before his time in the UG, but right now the change enthralled him. Hanekoma stood behind the counter, pouring steaming coffee into a paper cup for a pair of teenage customers. One, a tall girl with chin-length, dyed-blue hair, looked a little younger than Neku. The other, a shorter girl wearing false eyelashes and a pink plastic wrist watch, appeared to be about his age. They looked like unlikely friends, but they were standing close enough that they were clearly not strangers. Neku guessed that they were probably partners, maybe on their way to friends.

"Mr. Hanekoma," said Joshua, indicating himself by the door with a wave of his hand. Hanekoma put a lid on the coffee cup and didn't look up.

"Why the formality, Josh?" he asked. "I thought we were on a first-name—" He abruptly cut off when he noticed that Joshua was not alone at the door. Suddenly, Neku remembered the chief reason he would not have wanted to see Hanekoma. The memories he had received from Joshua just days before flooded back into his brain, creating a completely unwelcome screening of Joshua and Hanekoma's relationship in the theater of his mind.

Hanekoma grinned at Neku and set the cup down in front of the two girls, next to the register.

"Hey, Phones!" he said. "Long time no see!" The girl with blue hair tried to take the coffee cup in a slim-fingered hand, but quickly set it back down with a cry of "Ouch!" Hanekoma directed his attention back at his customers. He pulled a cardboard ring from a dispenser behind him and slipped it around the coffee cup.

"Sorry about that," he said. "That all today?"

"I think so," said the shorter girl. She handed over her payment and took the coffee cup. "Thanks!" She and the other girl turned in tandem and headed for the door. The taller girl leaned down a little bit before saying:

"Don't you think that was a little much for a cup of coffee?" Her friend shushed her and smiled widely at Neku and Joshua as they passed them. Once they were gone, Neku looked behind him, through the little window on the door. They had disappeared. Players.

"I didn't know you'd be bringing Phones along for the ride, Josh," said Hanekoma, stepping out from behind the counter and coming closer to Neku and Joshua. Neku fought desperately to keep the mental images at bay. The only small comfort he had was the knowledge that Mr. Hanekoma couldn't tell what he was thinking. At least, he was fairly certain that was true.

"I figured I should visit," said Neku, shrugging.

"Not a lot of Players come back, even if they make it," said Hanekoma. He smiled. "It's good to see you, kid." Neku relaxed enough to smile back.

"It's good to see you, too," he said.

"I hate to break up this reunion," said Joshua, who looked a little less tense, himself. "But is everything all right here? Is the Game running smoothly?"

"Yashiro and Kariya haven't been slacking, if that's what you mean," said Hanekoma. He smirked. "Well, Yashiro hasn't, at least. Not so sure about Kariya. But that's not really what you came here to talk about, anyway." Joshua shook his head. "We can talk in the back. Phones, I've got some books up here, if you wanna pass the time. Sorry to do this to you."

"No problem," said Neku. Hanekoma and Joshua disappeared into the depths of the shop, leaving Neku to peruse the plethora of black volumes on Hanekoma's book shelves. He had never quite scraped together the loot to buy any of the books off the shopkeeper, but now that the Game was over, it seemed a little silly to read them. He pulled one down and sat down on a small sofa, opening to a page somewhere around the middle. Pin evolutions. The information wasn't exactly useful, considering that he couldn't face the Noise anymore, and the only pin he had retained was the player pin. The books at Ramen Don would have been more useful, since Tin Pin was a Real Ground activity as well as an Underground one. Not that Neku had kept up with his career as a potential Tin Pin champion after the Game had ended. Maybe he would get back into that sometime. He wondered if new pins would course with energy the same way his player pin did, or if they would just feel like cold discs of plastic and metal. Maybe, even without a Player behind them, the pins were still something more than they appeared. Shooter had definitely been more attached to his than most people were to inanimate objects, but something told Neku that he shouldn't make generalizations based off Shooter's behavior.

After half an hour with the Black Cat Atlas, Neku knew more than he had imagined possible regarding the intricacies of pin evolution. It was actually rather interesting, and it all would have been terribly useful had Neku still been in the Game. Neku promised himself that if another pair of Players came through the door, he would use whatever money he had in his pocket to buy them one of Hanekoma's books. He felt a sense of obligation to these Players, even if the Game they were playing was different from the one he had played. Uzuki and Kariya? Joshua had really left those two in charge? Uzuki, maybe, had the skill and discipline to oversee the Game, but Kariya was another story. Neku supposed that he might be able to keep Uzuki from destroying the UG out of frustration, at least.

Neku had just exchanged his volume on pin evolutions for one on Reaper Creeper when he heard Hanekoma's voice again.

"Pretty useful stuff, huh, Phones?" he asked. Neku closed the book in his hands.

"Yeah, it would be, if I were still a Player," he said, his tone joking, as he shelved the book and joined Joshua and Hanekoma. The former seemed uneasy, his arms crossed high on his chest, his eyes lowered, searching for some focus, any focus, that wasn't Neku. What was this? Guilt? All the evidence Neku had gathered prior would point towards Joshua having no sense of that. There was an uncomfortable minute in which no one spoke a word, but it felt like everyone was waiting for someone to speak.

"Hey, Josh," said Hanekoma, relieving some of the tension. "Do you mind if I talk to Phones for a bit?" Joshua opened his mouth, obviously about to protest, but Hanekoma told him, "You could get some clothes or something. I'm sure Phones doesn't want you mooching off his wardrobe."

"Right," said Joshua. It was funny, but he sounded almost like a normal person in an awkward situation: completely unsure of how to handle things. "You can just text me when you're finished, okay, Neku?" Neku nodded, and he and Hanekoma watched Joshua leave the shop and walk through the noon-lit street.

"Neku," said Hanekoma, and Neku knew that this must be serious if Hanekoma was using his real name. "Remember when I told you way back when that Josh wasn't a bad kid? I wasn't lying. Okay?"

"All right," said Neku slowly. He was really questioning Hanekoma's judgment right now, but he didn't think that the man was _lying_, exactly. Neku guessed that having sex with someone might make you biased towards that person, though, so maybe he couldn't blame Mr. H. Hanekoma exhaled loudly, and in that breath, Neku could feel all the tension of someone who'd been dealing with Joshua for years and didn't know quite how to make another person understand.

"You've gotta hear me out," he said. "You know that Joshua's not like other people. He's been at this job for such a long time that it's done stuff to him. And, y'know, he wasn't all that normal to start, either. But, in a lot of ways, he still is just a teenager. He's still got all these feelings –" Neku knewthat he couldn't keep the skepticism off his face. " – _believe__it__or__not_, and he never really got good at dealing with them. He's really mixed up, and he doesn't know what's going on any better than you do." Neku rolled his eyes.

"If you say so," he said. He was having a hard time believing that Joshua didn't have some master plan that involved making his life miserable.

"I'm serious, Neku," said Hanekoma. "I don't know what your feelings for him are or whatever, so… just don't screw him up any more than he already is, all right? You restored some of his faith in humanity before. Don't go and backtrack all of that or whatever."

"Or whatever," echoed Neku.

"Hey," said Hanekoma. "I didn't have a lot of prep time on this one, but I needed to get that out there. Now, he's probably gonna try to talk to you sometime today. Promise you'll listen, okay? That's all I'm asking. Just hear what he's saying."

"I promise," said Neku, a little surprised at Hanekoma's attitude on the whole situation. "But, if you don't mind me asking, why are you trying to make this work for us? I mean, since you and Joshua are… or, um, were… you know…"

"Oh," said Hanekoma, his eyes widening a bit behind the dark lenses of his glasses. "So, um, Josh told you about that?"

"No," said Neku. "Not exactly. Not on purpose. It's more like I found out." The expression Hanekoma wore was so bemused that Neku almost felt responsible. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, nah, it's nothing," said Hanekoma. "I'm not _ashamed_ of it or anything. It's just that I'm pretty sure you're the first person to find out. Yeah, that's over now. At least for the time being. He was, ah, he was pretty hung up on someone else." His eyes met Neku's.

"I'm sorry," repeated Neku, this time more quietly.

"Nothing you can do about it," said Hanekoma. "Things are difficult, when you get involved with…"

"A god?" asked Neku.

"Another person," finished Hanekoma. "I care about him a lot, you know? And what with almost ending Shibuya and having to give up the only person who's made him feel anything in a long time, he's been pretty miserable for a while now. If you feel the same way as he does, even a little bit, then it's probably his best shot at not being miserable anymore. I'll still be here if he ever decides to come back. It's not the end."

"I'll listen to what he has to say," said Neku softly. Hanekoma smiled a somewhat less than full strength smile and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Thanks a bunch, Phones," he said. "You're aces. Do you want something? For you, only—"

"I think I'm good," said Neku quickly. "It was good talking to you." He turned to leave, but thought of something to say as he had his hand on the doorknob. He turned his head to see Hanekoma wiping down the counter with a dish towel. "Mr. H?" The man looked up. "You did make him feel something, you know. I could tell." The right side of Hanekoma's mouth hitched up.

"Thanks, kid," he said. Neku nodded and left the WildKat. The otherworldly energy humming in the air disappeared, and he was in normal, RG Shibuya again. He texted _out__ of__ wildkat_ to Joshua and hit send. It seemed that they needed to have a talk.


	5. Chapter 5

So, you guys may have noticed that I haven't updated this fic in, um, well... about eight months. I've gotta say that there's no good reason for it. I've had plenty of time to write this, but I ended up with a pretty bad case of writer's block. It might have something to do with me trying to a chapter that's largely focused on Joshua's thought processes, which was tricky, and I wasn't terribly good at it. I was really struggling there for a while. But, um, I think that this chapter turned out all right, and the end-ish bit has something you guys might like. Or might not like, depending on how I've executed it.

Anyway, this isn't the last chapter. I'm planning on writing some sort of epilogue to wrap this story up. It'll probably be shorter than the rest of the chapters, so hopefully I'll finish writing it much more quickly than I did this one. I just really want to thank all of you guys who have read and followed and left the nicest reviews. They seriously make my day, and I'm going to stop being a recluse and start replying to reviews again, assuming I get some.

Unfortunately, as I did not spend the last several months acquiring the rights to this lovely game (or even a 3DS and a copy of _Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance_), the disclaimers I set out in the first chapter still apply. Thanks to all of you who are still reading, and I hope that you enjoy the penultimate chapter of _God With A Crush_!

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><p>Joshua didn't like this feeling at all. He still didn't know quite what it was – some unfamiliar sensation that roiled and churned and stabbed at his insides, something he couldn't recall ever having felt before – but it was brutal. What was worse, he wasn't certain as to why he was feeling it in the first place. Yes, Neku was mad at him. Furious, even. But it wasn't the first time someone had been furious with him, or even the first time <em>Neku<em> had been furious with him. Something about this time was different. It had him acting strange. Shutting up and respecting someone's wishes was not a common occurrence for him. He was a _god_. He didn't have to care about what other people wanted, or what they felt. Simply put, he was above all of it, granted the power of sweet, sweet indifference.

So why was he having such trouble utilizing that power?

_Getting all worked up, are we? _rang a voice in Joshua's head. It was snide and chiding, and Joshua felt, for an instant, the twinge of anger he knew Neku must have felt when Joshua talked down to him. _And empathizing, too. This form is certainly taking its toll on us. We're thinking like an addled teenager again. _

That was it. It had to be it. His teenaged body was responsible, or it was because he had temporarily handed over the post of Composer to Yashiro and Kariya. It was a momentary condition, and he would revert to his normal state once he was running Shibuya again. The fog would lift from his mind and all of this… this… whatever this was, would be over.

_Oh, come on, Josh, _said another voice, this one sounding very much like Sanae's. _Who do you think you're kidding? This has been going on for a while. It's the reason you left the UG. Just admit it. Phones gives you… feelings. _

Even within the chambers of Joshua's mind, Sanae's voice sounded pained as it ground out the last sentence. Worse still, Joshua found that Sanae's pain actually mattered to him. While his dynamic with Sanae was one of the closest approximations of a real relationship he'd had since his death, it had always contained more than a healthy amount of distance. Joshua felt for Sanae, but he wasn't particularly concerned with Sanae's feelings, and he was rather skeptical of any gesture of apparent selflessness on the Angel's part. But now a sense of Sanae's self-sacrifice reverberated within Joshua. It wasn't at full strength, more like an echo or a pale copy, but it was stronger than he was accustomed to. Strong enough that he didn't know how to deal with it.

His low emotional IQ must have been glaringly obvious, since Sanae had taken upon himself to give Joshua in impromptu "intro to feelings" course in the café.

"_Part of what you're feeling right now is guilt," he said. "The kid – Neku – called you on everything you put him through, and you feel bad about it. Because you realize that it hurt him, and that it was wrong. That's what guilt is." _

"_I am not a child, Sanae," sniped Joshua, assuming a more sophisticated register that contrasted his adolescent appearance. "These definitions are completely unnecessary." Sanae's lips twitched into a smirk. _

"_I beg to differ, _sir_," he said. Joshua scowled deeply, perfectly aware that Sanae had added the "sir" to mock him. "Look, I'm not trying to insult you here, I swear. But if you'll let me, I'd like to politely suggest that your emotional vocabulary is a little rusty from disuse." It must have looked like Joshua hadn't taken that suggestion kindly, because Sanae let out a sigh that could only be called harried. "You're not gonna tell me that you're not panicking about what you're feeling. You wouldn't be here if you weren't." Joshua didn't know what to say to that. It was true, much more so than he wanted to admit. But to admit it out loud would be to acknowledge his powerlessness against something as inane as his teenaged form's body chemistry. He crossed his arms and avoided Sanae's eyes. The Angel let out a laugh, startling in its volume and brashness. It took Joshua a moment to recover from the shock of the sound and realize that Sanae was, in fact, outright laughing at him._

"_What?" he asked, irked. _

"_It's just kind of funny," said Sanae. "You've faced death, ruled over countless souls in the Shibuya Underground, avoided erasure more than once, and nearly destroyed an entire world. But you're running scared from a fifteen-year-old kid."_

"_I'm not _scared_ of Neku," scoffed Joshua. Sanae held up his hands defensively._

"_Oh, excuse me," he said sarcastically. "You're right; you're right. You're not running from Phones. You're running from yourself."Joshua smiled dryly._

"_Can you blame me?" he asked. "I nearly destroyed an entire world." _

"_Josh…" said Sanae. Joshua knew that Sanae was going to tell him to stop deflecting from the real problem (albeit, probably in a much more casual manner). He also knew that, in spite of this, the corners of Sanae's lips had turned up the slightest bit at his joke. At least he had one small win in his column._

"_I know," he said solemnly. "This wasn't supposed to happen, though."_

"_Oh?" asked Sanae, lifting an eyebrow questioningly. "Why not?"_

"_Because I'm supposed to be above all of this," said Joshua. "That's why I decided to become the Composer, instead of just coming back to life. I wanted to be above all of this."_

"_I think you may have had some misconceptions coming into this, then," said Sanae. Joshua nodded and stared down at his crossed arms. So pale. The scars had eventually disappeared from his wrists, leaving the skin smooth and clear, but he could still sense their presence. On some level, they were still there, and they always would be. Joshua wondered: did being dead mean that you couldn't move on? Had he been fooling himself all this time, thinking that he was beyond pain when really, it was what anchored him?_

"_Y'know, they're not all bad, Josh," said Sanae, his voice lower this time. "The Big Scary Things – the feelings – they're not all bad." Joshua's brow furrowed further down. He still didn't like the way Sanae was talking to him: like he was a child hiding from the monster in his closet. But maybe he was right to treat Joshua that way. Joshua had to admit to himself that, even in life, he'd never been the best at handling his emotions. His fingers twisted around his wrists unconsciously. _

"_You probably oughtta talk to Phones," said Sanae. "Maybe he'll be able to help you better than I can."_

"_He's a teenager," said Joshua. "And you're an Angel."_

"_Don't underestimate him," said Sanae. "You of all people should know that there's more to him that than that. Besides, he deserves to know."Joshua shot him a questioning look, which Sanae returned with one of vexation. "Are you really that stunted?" Joshua's face turned bright red, and he opened his mouth to protest, but Sanae cut him off. "Just talk to him and figure out what you guys wanna do. Now, go back and deal with it." Joshua closed his mouth. There was a question inside of him, so big and so frightening that it was ripping apart all of his wit, his sarcasm, all of his snappy comebacks and the glints in his eyes. He felt small. He felt scared. _

"_How could this possibly work?" he asked quietly. "Even if things did go well, even if my dear, dear partner did decide to forgive me all my previous indiscretions – which my cursory knowledge of human nature tells me he won't – creating a functional relationship wouldn't even be an option. I'm guessing that he doesn't want to partake in a fourth round of the Game. And I can't just stop being the Composer; there are rules against that." _

"_You're in charge," said Sanae, a troublemaking grin creeping along his lips and making its way up to his eyes. "Make new rules."Joshua opened his mouth to refute the Angel's logic, but Sanae held up a hand and cut him off. "You'll figure it out later. Come on, Josh; just be a _ teenager_ about it." _

All of Joshua's illusions of teenager-esque instant gratification and impulsiveness had been shattered, however, when Sanae had dismissed him so that he could talk to Neku beforehand. Joshua was to occupy himself in Shibuya's clothing stores until Sanae was finished talking to Neku. Unsure of how long this conversation was going to last, Joshua headed to the closest shop, which just so happened to be Jupiter of the Monkey. Normally, Joshua would have enjoyed engaging in a subtly mocking rhyme battle with the oblivious shopkeeper, but he was having some difficulty with words today. What was he going to say? "Roses are red, violets are blue. Neku Sakuraba, I have conflicted feelings about you." Hardly in keeping with the air of mystery that he liked to maintain in public. And in private, for that matter. Not to mention its total lack of meter.

So he hid in the back corner of the store, burying himself among the sales racks. The quality and style of the clothing where he stood almost made him physically shudder. J of the M was definitely more Neku's style than his own to begin with, but the items on the sales racks… Joshua would not be averse to calling them "tragic." Dragon Couture? Bliss. Lapin Angelique? Any day. Wild Boar? He would try it. But the sales rack at Jupiter of the Monkey was horrendous. Luckily, Joshua was a little distracted from the unfortunate garments by his phone. Not that the device had _done _anything particularly interesting since he had entered the shop. That didn't stop him from checking the screen periodically, though.

"_Just be a teenager about it." _Unnecessary advice; he already _was_ being a teenager about it. This was what they did, wasn't it? Checked their phones every thirty seconds for some update on the situation, too impatient to wait for the next life-changing event? Let their emotions rule them because they didn't understand them well enough to keep them in check? Joshua sighed and leaned back against one of the display racks. Couldn't he just go back to the way he was before all this? Slowly growing back a set of decent human emotions wasn't fun.

When Joshua's phone buzzed it was, embarrassingly enough, already in his hand. The message was from Neku, as expected, and simply read "_out of wildkat_."

"_I'm in J of the M," _texted Joshua. _"Meet you outside."_ He snapped the phone shut and put it back in his pocket. He didn't want Neku seeing what a pathetic wreck (read: actual human) he'd become, so it was time to go back into Coldhearted Bastard mode. Funny, he hadn't known that he'd still had another until recently, and yet it was getting harder and harder to revert to what he considered his natural state. And why had he changed? Because of some bratty teenager with a bad attitude.

It felt sort of like getting into character, now. Like Joshua-who-didn't-give-a-shit was a role he was playing in a movie. He wondered if it had always been like that. If he had just been playing the role so long that he had forgotten that it wasn't really him. Like authors and actors who turn into their characters without even really realizing it. Somewhere along the line, he had decided to stop being who he had been when he was alive. The person whose feelings were strong enough to drown him. The person who let things get to him. The person who let _people_ get to him. He had said to Neku once: "Give up on yourself, and you give up on the world." He wondered now how much better it was to give up on emotions entirely.

Not that he'd been that successful, apparently. Getting back into character didn't work anymore; there was that bit of himself – his old self – that had pushed its way through. The costume just didn't fit quite right. Joshua resigned himself from Coldhearted Bastard mode and settled for looking less jittery than he actually felt. And for trying not to loathe himself for having an emotion that could be described as "jittery." He emerged from the sales racks of hideous clothes and ignored the shopkeeper's rhyming send-off as he walked out. Neku was waiting right outside the door, staring at the main display of his phone.

"You know what they say, Neku," said Joshua. "A watched pot never boils."

"Wha—" Neku looked up from his phone. Upon recognizing Joshua and simultaneously figuring that the other boy must be making fun of him in some way, an irate crease appeared between his brows. "I wasn't waiting for a… what took you so long?"

"I got caught up," said Joshua with a smirk. "J of the M is having a sale." Too late, he realized that the landmine-like situation between him and Neku didn't really call for snarky comments at the moment. Luckily, it seemed that Neku was oblivious to Joshua's intent.

"A sale? Cool. I need some new shorts." Right. Because Jupiter of the Monkey was one of Neku's favorite brands, so a sales rack would be heaven to him. Joshua barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes. There was a plethora of reasons any relationship he could have with Neku would be doomed; his fashion sense was just another drop in the bucket.

"That aside, de—" Neku's glare held all the malice of a centuries-old blood feud. Joshua had nearly forgotten that they were in the midst of a pet name embargo. "Dear" was strictly off limits. He rephrased. "That aside, Neku, I believe Hanekoma expects us to have a conversation. If you'll forgive the expression, he wants us to kiss and make up." The look on Neku's face plainly indicated that he did _not_ forgive the expression. In fact, it was doubtful that he forgave anything Joshua had said or done since their first meeting.

"Screw this," he grumbled. "I can't do this if you're gonna treat it like it's a joke." He turned on his heel like he was going to leave.

"Neku, wait," said Joshua, hoping that the ragged edge in his voice came off as exasperation, rather than desperation. Neku turned back around, his frown heavy and his shoulders hunched over as he pushed his hands further into his pockets. Not for the first time, Joshua wondered how he could be drawn to someone who was so sullen, who was such a complete and utter teenager. But he had seen something in him, a powerful Imagination that exceeded that of any human he'd seen before. Something so expansive and brilliant that it was hard to believe that it was contained in a human body, let alone one that wasn't fully grown. No matter how impeccably he was able to cover it up, Neku was something special. Someone special.

"You win," said Joshua, holding up a hand like the proverbial white flag. "No jokes. You have my full, undivided attention." Neku's shoulders eased down.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"I am a pinnacle of sincerity," said Joshua. Okay, so maybe the words had left his mouth accompanied by a little bit of sarcasm, but what was he supposed to do? Complete sincerity just wasn't his style. This was the best he could do. Neku looked skeptical, but he didn't try to leave again. Good. Now the only thing preventing them from having a conversation was their mutual inability to say the right words. Joshua had been hoping that Neku would initiate their little talk, but the redhead didn't show any intent to speak. It looked like Joshua was going to have to take matters into his own hands.

"Fine, I'll go first, then," he said. He knew that Neku wanted an apology from him, but he wasn't used to delivering them. To him, apologies were just another meaningless ritual mortals carried out when they couldn't bear to let someone slip through their grubby little fingers. Besides that, since ascending to the rank of Composer, he had very rarely, if ever, regretted any of his actions. He had more important things to worry about than people's feelings. The last time he had apologized to Neku, he had done it under cover of darkness and at a whisper, and it had still left a bad taste in his mouth. Apologies were for humans, not gods. Still, he was coming to see more and more that he was not as distant from humanity as he had previously believed. Like the rest of the people he watched day after day, he was going to have to go through this meaningless ritual to keep someone from leaving.

"I'm sorry, Neku," he said, searching for a tone that carried some hint of authenticity. He didn't think that he was lying, not exactly, and not entirely. Thanks to Hanekoma's brilliant evaluation, he knew that he was harboring some sort of guilt, but he couldn't say to what it was attached. It was just a vague, cloudy feeling that lurked inside him, not really anchored to anything.

"What?" asked Neku. If there were a picture under the word "surprised" in the dictionary, it would have closely resembled Neku's face. Normally, Joshua would have had to fight to resist giggling, but he knew that this was serious.

"I'm sorry," said Joshua again. "I'm sorry that I killed you. I'm sorry that I used you as my Proxy. I'm sorry for – what was it you said? – for putting you and your friends through hell. I would like to apologize for everything I've done to you and your friends."

"That's it?" asked Neku. Amazingly, he didn't seem as grateful as Joshua had anticipated. Count on Neku to make things more difficult than they needed to be. "You're _sorry_?"

"Yes," said Joshua. He folded his arms. "I do believe that I said that several times."

"Joshua, that's not how it works!" And now Neku was yelling again. Causing a scene. Personally, Joshua didn't mind the attention, but he knew that Neku didn't enjoy being stared at. For all that he claimed to have changed, he still found other people to be a nuisance. He still kept his headphones handy around his neck. "You don't just say you're sorry and then everything is right again! It's not that simple!"

"Oh, really?" asked Joshua. "I was under the impression that it _was_ that simple. I apologize, you accept, and, having righted the wrongs between us, the two of us happily go on with our lives." _And possibly partake in some sort of make-out session,_ Joshua did not add aloud. Damn these teenager hormones.

"Yeah, you're right, that's how it works," said Neku, laying on a thick layer of sarcasm. "When you spill soda on someone's favorite shirt, or when you forget to feed their goldfish while they're away. Not when you murder them on the street, and then force them and their friends to play a life-or-death game that, hey, just so happens to decide the fate of an entire ward and all the people that live in it. That's not enough. Are you even sorry at all?"

"I am," said Joshua. Even to him, it didn't sound that convincing, and Neku didn't look like he was buying it. But he was sorry, somewhere in the cold void he had for a heart, he felt guilty about _something_ he had done to Neku, so he amended his statement: "I'm sorry for what I did to you. It made you angry, and you know how I hate it when you're cross with me."

"Never seemed to bother you before," said Neku. He snapped himself out of what looked suspiciously like an impending sulk. "And what you're saying doesn't help. You don't care that other people got hurt; you care about how this is affecting _you_."

"Oh, please, Neku," said Joshua, smoothing a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "That's all anyone ever cares about. We see things in terms of their outcomes for us by design. Think about it: why do people give to charity? Because it makes them feel good. Even charitable acts are inherently selfish. It only makes sense to apologize to someone if you want them to stop being angry at you. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing; it's just a fact."

"So you don't care about anyone else," said Neku. "You care that you hurt me and my friends because it caused an inconvenience for you. But what about everyone else? All of other Players who had to go through your Game, all of the souls that got erased? You don't care that you erased your Conductor?"

"It was an unfortunate necessity," said Joshua coldly.

"And what about all the people you were going to get rid of when you destroyed Shibuya?" demanded Neku. "Not just me, and the other players, but Eri, and my parents, and all of those girls you were…" his face gained a pinkish tint "…those girls who were flirting with you. You were going to get rid of them. How can you talk to them like it was nothing, like you weren't going to throw them out?"

"They all seemed like perfectly nice people," said Joshua. Perfectly nice, perfectly boring, perfectly predictable; people like that were a part of the reason he had wanted to ax Shibuya in the first place. They were all just the same. It wasn't just the extraordinarily ugly things that they did to one another that had made Joshua start to hate his district, even thought there were plenty of those. It was the complete sameness to them. The monotony. Joshua didn't say any of that, though. He wasn't an expert on tact, but he knew that insulting Neku's parents was no way to win his heart. It wasn't only them, though. It was everyone.

Everyone who wasn't Neku, at least. And if that wasn't an embarrassing thought to have, Joshua didn't know what was.

"Does it really matter, anyway?" asked Joshua. "I decided against that plan. They're all safe and sound, going about their mundane little lives."

"Just like me," said Neku. "So, that's all we are to you, huh?"

"Not you, Neku," said Joshua, all the while knowing that he wasn't helping himself. "Didn't I say it before? You're special." Neku didn't like that, and Joshua had known that he wouldn't. This whole mess was getting out of his hands, and he couldn't stand it. If there was one thing he disliked most in the world, it was not being three steps ahead of everyone else. Right now, he was about five steps behind. He was trying to speak a language that he hadn't practiced in a long time and offending everyone in the process.

"What does that even _mean_?" asked Neku. The heat was rising to his face, but this wasn't blushing. This was a flush, an angry one. "I'm not different, or special. I'm just like everyone else, going through life and trying to make the world make some kind of sense. Yeah, maybe I've _died_ more than most people have, but I'm not different from them, Joshua. I'm just another person."

"No, you're not," said Joshua. "Why do you think I chose you as my Proxy? You're vastly different from everyone around you. Why is that so difficult for you to grasp?"

"Because!" shouted Neku. "Because, I don't want you to like me because I'm powerful, or because I was good at using Psychs, or because I'm _useful_ to you! I want you to like me because I'm me!" Quite honestly, Joshua couldn't comprehend why Neku was so upset. Of _course_ he liked all those things about Neku; it only seemed reasonable that he would. They were what had drawn him to Neku in the first place.

But it wasn't just that he liked those qualities in Neku, it was that he liked Neku as a complex being all his own. He was first person Joshua had seen in a long time as more than just an ugly, indistinct mass of nerves and tissues. Joshua, just as much as Neku, had given up on people before those three fateful rounds of his Game. Seeing Neku change and grow as a person was like watching a masterpiece in progress. Better still, it was like watching a masterpiece create itself. His passion, his anger, his depth, his laughter, his tentative openness to the world around him, and even his questionable taste in clothing were all aspects of Neku that Joshua liked or possibly loved. He was similar enough to Joshua that to give the long-weary Composer some kind of hope, but different enough to keep him guessing. Beyond that, he was totally human in a way that Joshua never thought he would be able to stomach, but somehow it suited him so perfectly. He was a surprise. A pleasant surprise.

"No need to fret then, dear," said Joshua. For a second it looked like Neku would protest the endearment, but one look at his former partner's face and his mouth snapped shut. How weak Joshua imagined he must have appeared right now. How foolish. But that was what love, in all its forms, did to people, wasn't it? Made them vulnerable, made them weak, made them into idiots. It was what it had always done to him. He had believed that, by ascending to something higher than humanity, he would be able to avoid the fall, but now it was obvious that his lofty position was bound to make the fall that much harder. His eyes avoiding the redhead's, he finished: "I do like you. Quite a lot."

"You," said Neku, the rage drained from his body. "You do?"

"That shouldn't be news to you," said Joshua. "You'll recall that I did come all the way to the RG just to come and visit."

"And then you spent the rest of your time ignoring me or driving me batshit insane," said Neku, throwing his hands up in exasperation. Then, slowly, he lowered them and looked somewhere off to the side, away from Joshua. "I don't understand you."

"And I don't understand you," said Joshua. A smile rose to his face, uncalculated and very nearly unwelcome. "I never could. Not fully, and even if I were able to, I wouldn't want to. It would ruin the pursuit. People can never truly understand one another. All we can ever hope to do is push the boundaries of who we are a little bit closer to each other. We can see each other better, but we're doomed never to truly touch."

"Isn't that kind of sad?" asked Neku.

"Maybe, a little," said Joshua with a roll of his shoulders. "The amazing part is the thought that, knowing this, anyone would bother trying at all. The absolutely astounding part is that I want to try with you."

"Yeah, well, you know what makes even less sense?" posed Neku. "I actually like you, too. After everything you've done to me. All the ways that you've proven that you're a horrible person, or not even really a person at all. After all the times you've been an insufferable bastard – which was pretty much always, by the way – I still have these stupid feelings about you. I don't know if there's any way the two of us could ever work out, but if there is, I think I'd want to try it."

Before Joshua could even think of replying, Neku had closed the distance between them and covered Joshua's mouth with his own. This was nothing like a kiss from Sanae, all rough skin and grabbing fingers and hunger. This was a kiss from a fifteen-year-old boy: inexperienced and awkward, but with a kind of self-conscious glory about it in that. It was filled with wanting, but also with fear for what that wanting meant. Joshua was taken aback; he had figured that, if it ever came to a kiss between the two of them, that he would be the one to spring on an unsuspecting Neku, and not the other way around.

It wasn't until the full force of Neku's insecurity hit him that Joshua began to kiss back in earnest. Eyes closed, he allowed this adolescent body to take some control over his actions and worked a hand into Neku's hair. Briefly and silently, he lamented the amount of product required to mold the orange strands into the hairstyle of whatever anime character Neku had chosen as his reference model. The thought passed as he felt Neku's arms wrap around his back, pulling their chests closer together. Feeling incredibly smug, he almost grinned while he guided Neku through the rest of the kiss. _I know what I'm doing,_ this kiss said. _I'll take this from here._ For his part, Neku seemed more than happy to relinquish control to Joshua. He relaxed into it, and without even trying to read him, Joshua could feel flashes of the bright galaxy that was Neku's soul. It lit them both from the inside.

It was not until their faces finally drew apart that either boy – and that's what they were, right now; not Composer and Proxy, or god and human, but just boys – opened his eyes. The pale skin of Neku's cheeks had turned rosy, and he glanced around without disentangling his limbs from Joshua's torso.

"I kinda forgot that we were still on Cat Street," he mumbled, plainly embarrassed.

"There aren't that many people around," replied Joshua, although he had already noticed that a few passersby and at least one patron of J of the M had pressed pause on their busy lives to ogle the two young men on the street.

"You have no shame," said Neku. In reality, this was far from the truth at present, but Joshua didn't feel like ruining the illusion just then. Instead, he placed his head on Neku's shoulder and said:

"I really am sorry that I killed you."

"No you're not," said Neku, but he was laughing. Joshua released him and pouted.

"Fine. I'm not," he admitted. "But I do regret that it made you hate me. I didn't realize at that point how important it would be that you liked me. Can we call it close enough?"

"Not really," said Neku. "But I think that I can deal with that for now. You're going to have to apologize to Shiki and Rhyme and Beat, though."

"Neku…" groaned Joshua.

"And at least act like you feel bad about it," said Neku.

"You expect me to tarnish my honesty for your sake?" asked Joshua.

"I'm just saying that this time, maybe something good could come out of your lying," said Neku. "It's gonna make it hard for us to be together if all my friends look like they're going to throw up or run away whenever you're around." He paused to think, and then added: "Oh, and you're going to have to stop flirting with everyone you meet. Or at least with Eri… Shiki doesn't like it." Joshua offered a knowing smile, which Neku countered with a glare.

"Trying to stake your claim over me, dear?" said Joshua. But Neku wasn't yelling at him for calling him "dear," so Joshua supposed that he would allow it. He rather enjoyed the idea of Neku's jealousy. "Fine. I'll have you know that I'm making quite a lot of concessions for you, though." An air of uncertainty fell over Neku, and he shifted from foot to foot nervously.

"Joshua," he said. "How is this going to work?"

"Honestly?" said Joshua. "I'm not sure. Mr. Hanekoma suggested that I should create new rules to accommodate our special set of needs, but he knows very well that I don't have the power to do that without repercussions. I may be able to bend the rules, though, to find a way out."

"So, you would quit?" asked Neku cautiously.

"All reigns come to and end," answered Joshua. "Hopefully I can find some legal way of ending mine without too much bloodshed. The Composer job is awful for one's mental health, anyway. Better that I retire before I end it all in fire and ice." At that, Neku looked uneasy. Joshua reached out and threaded his fingers through Neku's. The redhead squeezed his palm. "I can leave my replacements in charge for the next week. We have seven days to put off worrying about this."

"I don't have to have a timer, do I?" joked Neku.

"Different kind of game, dear," said Joshua. This was one where he wasn't in charge and didn't make the rules. He thought to himself that it would be much more exciting that way.


	6. Chapter 6

Well, here it is. The epilogue/final chapter to "God With A Crush." It's about half the length of the other chapters, so it should be quick way to wrap up the story. Read over lunch, while waiting for a bus, while sitting in a class you don't really want to be in! Read it here, there, anywhere! Okay, enough of this silliness. I'll put some author's notes at the end of the chapter, too, in case you want to read more of my aimless ramblings. Hope you enjoy the final installment!

Disclaimers still apply.

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><p>A couple of minutes after he had turned out the lights, Neku felt Joshua slip into bed beside him and entwine their fingers together. It was their routine whenever Joshua was staying the night – for the benefit of Neku's parents, they would make up a small bed on the floor, and Joshua would even lie down on it until a few minutes after Neku had shut off the lights. It was silly, a game of pretend, but Neku didn't know if even Joshua would be able to coax himself out of an awkward situation if one of Neku's parents were to come in and find the two of them tangled up like headphone wires in Neku's bed. Neku didn't particularly want Joshua to smooth-talk his parents, anyway; he'd managed to wean Joshua off almost all forms of psychic influence around them in the last few years, and he didn't want to backtrack that progress. So, they made up the bed every night, and every night Joshua slept in Neku's bed when there was adequate darkness to cover them.<p>

In the morning, Neku always found himself a little bit disappointed that Joshua was once again in the makeshift bed on his floor. His arms, which curled and folded and wove to fit with Joshua's body while they shared the bed, were always wrapped instead around his own torso when he woke.

Neku didn't open his eyes when Joshua took his place between the top sheet and the mattress. He didn't have to, when his breath was warm and his unique energy, humming and instantly recognizable in spite of his human form, was so strong. He hooked a leg around Neku's, and Neku took the cue to incline his head towards the Composer's chest. When they were younger – or rather, when Neku was younger and Joshua was smaller – this had been awkward. They hadn't understood how to fully utilize their lengthening limbs. They hadn't known exactly how they were supposed to fit. Over the years, they had figured it out almost exactly. No more bumping foreheads or elbows bruised from clashing into other bones. While Neku had gained some muscle mass in addition to height (though not nearly as much as Beat had possessed when they were fifteen and playing the Reaper's Game), Joshua had only grown taller, his arms and legs long and thin and willowy. His voice had dropped a bit, too. Sometimes, as Neku was experiencing the negative side-effects of adolescence, he remembered that Joshua was willingly enduring them for the second time. In order to be with him. The thought of it was almost too much to fathom.

"So, Neku," said Joshua, and his voice was so close to Neku's ear that it almost felt like it was in Neku's mind. It was entirely possible that it was. Now that they had firmly established what was and was not okay in regard to psychic abilities, Neku didn't mind Joshua being in his head as much. There had been much discussion, and several "Joshua, it is not okay to imprint on me when you want Ramen Don," conversations, but they were currently at a comfortable place when it came to mental boundaries. Neku wondered, not for the first time, if he would miss having this particular type of connection with Joshua. "Are you excited to start university?"

"I don't know," grumbled Neku, not out of actual uncertainty, but out of weariness towards the question. He felt like he'd answered it a thousand times over the course of the last year. "Are you?" Joshua giggled.

"I've already been," he answered.

"Yeah, but this is different," said Neku. They were going together, this time. This time, it was going to be good. At least, he hoped it would.

"You're right," said Joshua. "It is." He didn't sound excited, and he was resonating uncertainty. The vibe was off-putting enough that Neku had mistaken it for irritation in the past. Like everything else with Joshua, reading this vibe accurately had taken practice and familiarity.

"I'm kind of nervous," admitted Neku, hoping that talking this through might ease some of the tension. "For classes, especially. All the work, and having to get places on time, and being responsible. I'm worried that it'll be too much for me." He paused. The air around them still buzzed with unease. "I guess I'm excited, too, though. Meeting new people might be cool."

"New people," said Joshua, turning the words over on his tongue. "I _am_ quite the humanitarian." Then, without warning: "What if you run off with someone younger and prettier than I am, Neku?" The question, though phrased as a joke, was accompanied by a spike in the surrounding tension. Neku abruptly sat up and switched his desk lamp back on. When he turned to look at Joshua, the Composer was halfway in a sitting up position, looking puzzled.

"We need to have a conversation," said Neku resolutely. "Face-to-face. In the light."

"Whatever about?" asked Joshua. "And aren't you worried about your parents finding us cohabitating, as it were?"

"That's not important right now," said Neku. "Do you think I'm going to leave you once we get to university?" Joshua shook his head, locks swishing gently with the movement. When Joshua was being wholly sincere, Neku thought, he was beautiful. Sure, he was always nice to look at, but there was something special about those times that he didn't try to cover up what he was thinking or feeling that transformed him. Honestly, Neku had never fully noticed how lovely he was until he had stopped acting like an asshole for five minutes and let his guard down.

"That's not it," said Joshua. "I don't expect you to leave. It's only that, if you do…" There existed an abundance of ways Joshua could finish that thought, and Neku knew every one of them by heart. So much planning had gone into making the arrangements for Neku and Joshua to room together, to go to school together, to just _be_ together. So much careful orchestration and strategy and attention to detail. Joshua hadn't made Neku aware of the full extent of the maneuvering. He insisted that Neku had enough going on in his life without having to worry about the semantics of his abdication on top of everything. Still, from what Neku had gathered, the process was incredibly in-depth.

Uzuki and Kariya hadn't been willing to take on the role of Composer full-time, after all. Well, Kariya hadn't been willing to. Uzuki would have been more than thrilled to accept the position, but the two were only of any use as a pair. When Joshua went back to the UG after he and Neku had gotten together, they had peacefully returned to their roles as Harriers. In the years following, Neku never found the stomach to ask what had become of them. Joshua had selected another worthy Reaper as Conductor, a girl with blue hair and a promising Imagination who had requested Reaper status after her partner's Erasure. Since then, Joshua had asked that she fill in for him whenever he visited Neku in the RG. Whether or not this was bending the rules was beyond Neku, but he certainly appreciated it.

"When university starts up, I'll quietly appoint her Composer, relinquish my demigod status, and slip out without any needlessly bloody revolution," Joshua had told Neku, as though it were the simplest thing in the world. Neku knew that it wasn't. The process didn't just involve finding a replacement Composer and stepping down, it also involved the return of Joshua's mortality. From what Neku understood, once you had a say in being in the UG, you weren't supposed to be able to go back. Not permanently, anyway. He knew that Hanekoma was going to be heavily involved in executing this plan, which probably meant that it was a lot more difficult than Joshua was letting on.

"You've got a lot riding on this, huh?" asked Neku.

"Oh, no," said Joshua, waving a hand. "I'm only giving up my job, my nigh-immortal status, and my entire way of life in order to live with you in a university dorm with a communal bathroom."

"Ugh." Neku wrinkled his nose. "I hadn't even thought about the bathroom thing."

"Neku, be serious." There was a smile on his face as he slowly wrung his hands in his lap. A few years ago, Joshua's fingers would have stayed still. There would have been no change in his demeanor as he talked about a subject that distressed him, and he would have tried to deflect from the conversation with clever, irritating little remarks or questions fired back at Neku. And Neku wouldn't have bothered looking deep enough to see that for every word Joshua said, there were a thousand words behind it he was too fearful to say outright. Whether or not they actually went through with this plan, they had shaped one another, and there was no erasing that.

"Joshua," he said. "We've fought so fucking hard for the last couple years to make this work with us. We compromised, and we fought, and we struggled, and we looked at every possible solution a thousand times. And now, after all that, we're finally going to get to be together, and you're worried that I'm going to leave you? Do you really think I'd throw all that away?" He locked his fingers with Joshua's. "I love you."

"I know that," said Joshua. "And I also know enough about humans that I am painfully aware that that's not how it always works. Sometimes, things fall apart no matter how hard you fight for them. Sometimes people grow in opposite directions and end up hating each other, or, or they just become incompatible. Sometimes there are problems and pain and being in love…" he slipped his palm out of Neku's "…isn't enough. Neku, you know I want this to work out, but I love you at least as much as you love me, and if something happens—" When Neku kissed Joshua, he could practically taste the relief. Of course, there was also irritation there at being cut off in the middle of a sentence, but a few ruffled feathers on either side were par for the course when it came to Joshua and Neku. It was nothing compared to the blowups they'd had when they were fifteen or even sixteen, before they'd gotten a solid sense of how the other was feeling. Leaning out of the kiss, Joshua frowned and said:

"You know that won't make this go away, right?"

"I know," said Neku. "I just wanted to, okay?" It had only been seconds since the kiss, but already Neku could see the gears turning in Joshua's head, sense his worry clouding the air in the room. "Look, there's no way I can guarantee that we're going to stay together, and that we're never going to make each other miserable. That's insane, and impossible. But that's a risk we're going to have to take. You can't seal yourself off to a world of possibilities because you've already convinced yourself that you know what's gonna happen. Remember what happened the last time you did that?" Joshua rolled his eyes.

"You had to bring _that_ up," said Joshua. "If everyone could go for a week without mentioning the time I _almost_ destroyed Shibuya, I would be eternally grateful."

"You have to admit, it was kind of a big deal," said Neku, laughing.

"Yes, yes, and I'm very sorry," said Joshua, and even though he tried to make it sound sarcastic, Neku knew that he was. Neku personally thought that he had felt sorry about it for a long time and just didn't want to admit it. When he thought about it, Neku realized that he himself didn't even like to admit that he had put his shoes on the wrong feet, so for a being that could be classified as a god to admit that nearly axing a whole district full of people was not the best idea had to be at least a hundred times harder. Probably more.

"Do you see what I was saying, though?" Neku asked. "Sometimes you have to open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt to get what you want. So, I'm all in."

"Really?" asked Joshua. Neku exhaled loudly and far too dramatically, smiled, and gripped Joshua's hand tightly in his own.

"Yeah, really," he said.

"Me, too," said Joshua softly. He kissed Neku gently on the lips as Neku reached to switch off the lamp. They lay back down, limbs shifting into place, eyes closing, comfortable darkness settling back over them. Tomorrow morning, Neku would once again awaken to find Joshua sleeping on the floor, but he his heart would lurch a little bit beneath his sternum, knowing that things were going to change soon. Later on, there would be university and new people and new classes, new ways for Neku and Joshua to expand their worlds. New ways to come a little closer to understanding each other. There would never come a time when they could completely and totally comprehend one another, and Neku knew that, but that idea didn't make him sad anymore. Because behind it, there was the prospect of getting closer and closer, and making progress and then taking a few steps back, and feeling frustrated and angry only to close the distance a tiny bit more and realize that there was still some value in trying. Maybe they wouldn't spend the rest of their lives together, but, as of this moment, they _could_, and they would have time to figure out what they wanted to do as they went along.

"It'll be wonderful," said Neku quietly, planting a kiss somewhere along the line of Joshua's jaw. Joshua was smiling, he could tell. A few seconds passed, and Neku added: "As long as you don't try to wipe out Shibuya again."

At first, he thought that Joshua wouldn't respond. Then:

"That was _one time_!"

And, at the same moment, the two burst into giggles that stole their breath and shook their twined-together bodies.

It was going to be wonderful.

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><p>So, yeah, that's the end of that! Hope you guys liked it. I've been feeling a little down lately, so I tried to make the epilogue happy as a kind of reward to myself for getting through the semester alive. I hope it wasn't too ridiculously sweet or fluffy or out of character for you guys. But, yeah, thank you so much for reading all the way through my first chaptered fic. Unless you, like, decided to read the epilogue and not the rest of the story. In which case, thanks for reading the epilogue, and I hope you enjoyed it, but why did you do that? Seriously?<p>

Ah, I need to go to sleep. But I just want everyone who read this to know how much I appreciate all of you. Especially anyone who reviewed/favorited/added it to alerts. It seriously made my day when I got the notifications, so thank you a lot. You can even review the epilogue, too, if you want!

Thanks bunches and peace out,

Sunny D.


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